"S!" and "F!" aren't standing for days of the week in the way that I am using them. I am using them to represent four letter curse words. I'm sure you know which ones I am talking about!!
Last night, I was feeling kind of bummed and overwhelmed about life and which direction to go in, where to move to, what to do for a career, trying to find purpose, feeling the negative energy of the fam, and all that "yadda, yadda, yadda." I know, I know...I had previously blogged about hope springing eternal, but I lost that feeling last night. So, somehow in my stupid head I thought it would be a good idea to drink some alcohol. I haven't had anything to drink since New Year's, and I needed to take the pressure off. I started out with two ginormous glasses of wine and, believe me, I should have stopped there! I then proceeded to drink two humongously tall glasses of Absolut Vodka mixed with iced tea. (Notice how I didn't say iced tea with vodka mixed in!). It was fine at first - my younger sister was home early from work (9 p.m.) and we were able to sit around the kitchen table and talk about life. It's amazing how having your buzz on enables you to open up. We just talked for a really long time about all the things I am currently going through. It was nice, really nice. My older sister even called on the phone at one point, and I was able to chew her ear off for a while too. Eventually, at around 11:30, my younger sister Dana went to bed. I was finishing the last of my alcohol at around this time. Well...
I think I chatted online for a bit, but it couldn't have been too long. Unfortunately, I went past my limit and I started to feel sick. Blech, I don't need to tell you about that. This is only the second time that ever happened. (The first being the "Tequila" incident at Twist in South Beach in September 2005!). I can make peace with that, though. What I CAN'T make peace with is the fact that - ughhhhh, I was a drunk mess w/ a guy!! I woke up and saw this whole text message exchange between this guy and I that I DO NOT REMEMBER PARTICIPATING IN! I mean - literally NO memory whatsoever!! Even WORSE - I checked my phone log, and we talked on the phone for 5 minutes and 44 seconds. I HAVE NO MEMORY *WHATSOEVER* of that phone conversation. NONE! ZIP! ZERO! ZILCH!! NADA!! I can't believe I had a phone conversation with a guy and have absolutely NOOOOOOOOO idea what I talked about. This is only the second time I have had a "black out" due to alcohol (the first being that incident w/ Tequila, again!) - but it is literally the most embaressing feeling in the world. How can someone who almost NEVER drinks be a completely drunk mess like I am?? I think I can never have hard alcohol again!! I mean maybe I can have *ONE* cosmo every now and then - but I don't think I can go beyond that. I need to stick to a few beers or a few glasses of wine and - THAT'S IT!! I mean - thank G-D I was at home and not at some guy's apartment, b/c who knows what could have happened! But for 5 minutes and 44 seconds of my life, I apparently had a conversation and have absolutely no idea about what was said. I'll most likely have to suffer the consequences today. I wonder if I seemed like a drunk mess, if I was engaging, if anything meaningful was said, or if I said anything I'll regreat. UGHHHH - I think I need to add vodka to the forbidden list where Tequila currently resides on my life chart. YIKES!!!
The two words I'm most thinking about right now, that are running around my mind non-stop are definitely S! and F!!! Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!
Labels: Drunken Mess
