Hope Springs Eternal...

(WTF is up with this new Google Blogger account format I just had to sign up for? Weird.)

So, at around 3p.m. in the afternoon yesterday, I received a phone call on my family's house phone. Since all my gays and close friends only ever call me on my cell phone, I didn't really know who it could be. The only 3 people who ever call me at home are my close girlfriends Chrissey, Seta, or Jessica. EVERYONE else uses the cell. But the voice at the other end definitely didn't belong to those 3 people. "Who is this?" was the question I asked to that voice at the other end of the phone. "Stephanie" was the reply.

Stephanie E. and I grew up together. We were so close growing up - we hung out literally from the time we were in the playpen until the end of high school. Stephanie has a brother Lee who is a year older than us, but who was also in the same grade as us in school (since he attended pre-first and Steph and I didn't). Stephanie and Lee lived literally the next block away from me in the suburbs - so we spent most of our waking moments together. In 8th grade they moved like 10 minutes away, so we didn't see each other as much, although that had more to do with growing up/growing apart rather than distance b/c let's face it - 10 minutes is nothing! We all went to school together, hebrew school together, family functions, etc...we were very close. After high school, people have a way of moving on and moving up in their lives and we just grew apart, mostly because Lee lives in Philadelphia and Stephanie lives in Washington, DC. In any event, Stephanie was home for the weekend and looking through an old scrapbook when she found letters that I had written to her while she was away at Jewish Summer Sleep Away Camp. (Shut it!) :) So, she thought of me and called me up. She asked if I had plans already, since it was last minute and on a Saturday night. If I actually had a life I might have, but I didn't have plans, lol. If Steph were a guy I had been interested in and I didn't want to seem desperate I might have made it seem like I was busy, but instead I was like, "Sure! I never have any plans! I'll be over at 6!" Haha. (Wait a minute, even if it *WAS* a guy I liked on the other end, I probably still would have appeared desperate. Haha!) Stephanie's phone call was completely OUT OF THE BLUE in every sense of the expression, and I had never expected it in a million years. I knew it would be awkward to catch up (I haven't seen her in about 2 or 3 years), but I wanted to see her anyway. I'm glad I agreed to pay her a visit, and that I truly was free.

When she opened the door, it was just as if we were teenagers again. I thought it would be awkward, but besides the first 2.5 seconds of the mindf*ck that is seeing an old familiar face for the first time in ages, it really wasn't all that awkward to hang out with her! I thought I would feel depressed and pathetic, since she is so much "farther along" (whatever that means) at 25 than I am. She has been living this great "grown up" life in Washington D.C. with her boyfriend for years now. She is "nowhere near ready for marriage", as she put it, but they might as well be a succesful married couple. He takes care of her and she takes care of him. He makes decent money, so he OWNS this condo in Northern Virginia, just outside of D.C. Its just a completely different level than I am on. But Stephanie is a GREAT girl, and I'm actually REALLY, REALLY happy for her! She is literally like a sister to me. We even "dated" in 5th grade for a day or so, haha! I was her first boyfriend, and she was my first girlfriend. Apparently, I could never commit to another woman ever again. LOL!! ;)

Seriously - hanging out with Stephanie was wonderful. We just reminisced about things that only two people who spent most of their lives growing up together could. We talked about old classmates, old teachers, old inside jokes - the things that had so defined those early parts of your life. Its so funny how one of you can remember something that the other COMPLETELY forgot, only to be reminded of it once again. It sucks how you can lose touch with someone who was always there during those crucial years, but we both vowed to keep in better touch. I truly hope it happens. Another thing we both agreed on, which I NEVER thought would happen - was how the farther away we got from High School, the less traumatic it was remembered. I can so clearly remember being depressed in High School and not being able to wait to "blow this popsicle stand" and to take on the world. (It hasn't happened yet, but I vow it WILL!). In any event, looking back - we both agreed that we had really good teachers, a really good education, some really great friends, and lived in a really safe, fun, and overall great place to grow up. It's weird how something that seemed so dramatic and traumatic to a bunch of teenagers now is such a sweet memory. Does time heal all wounds, given enough time? Are we just remembering the good times? We we overdramatic teenagers back in the day? Who knows - but it felt great to reminisce with someone who was there through it all too.

So why the title "Hope Springs Eternal" for this blog posting? Well, somewhere between being greeted by Stephanie at the door, eating a cute grocery-store-bought Sushi and Eggplant Parmigiana dinner, and reminiscing on the couch (which sounds really dirty - but trust me, it wasn't! haha) - I just began to feel better about myself. I don't know if she was buttering me up, but she reminded me of the person that I was, before I got trapped living in the suburbs with my parents as an adult, at least for a period of time. She reminded me of how creative I was, and how much fun we used to have together. She reminded me of the person who used to live life looking forward, rather than regretting the past. Of course I am trying vehemently to look forward today, but I also unfortunately let the black cloud of regrets and fear roll in from time to time. It was just great to meet someone who "knew me back when." I told her how it has been difficult living here, and how the few times I've been to FL - those are the only times I have felt like I was able to just "be myself" as I truly am for a short period of time. Its the biggest single reason I need to move away - I have to find myself again in the form of a young adult independent life. Anyway, I'm digressing (as usual). Stephanie just made me feel like I should be feeling, the way I haven't felt for quite some time. Also - she was a source of inspiration for me. She is someone who comes from virtually the same background from me - and yet is so much farther along today. But that's a GOOD thing. She is living proof that one can find and carve out a nice life for themselves away from here, and still have a good relationship with their family. You can always come home. You can go out there in the world and you CAN find love and you CAN be successful and better days ARE yet to come. For showing me that by example, I can't thank Stephanie enough!

Here's to Stephanie. Here's to me as I used to be and will be again. Here's to hope. Here's to the future! :-)

It continues...

I should have posted the answer to my last posting, but I'm sure everyone can easily enough assume what it was about. As a matter of fact, a similar happening just occured at my house. I'm literally still shaking...

So, I went to go open up a can of Campbell's New England Clam Chowder soup to make for lunch and saw that the metal lid of the can already seemed popped up a bit. So, I gave it the smell test and....STINKY!! I knew right away this can was bad, bad, BAD! If I cooked it without smelling it, I would most likely be food poisoned right now. In any event, my parents were in the kitchen at the same time I was (HUGE mistake to be in the kitchen at the same time as my mom...I mean BIGGGGGGGG mistake!!) Anyway, in seeing me throw the can out, she FREAKED out! Apparently I was supposed to just throw the can + the contents of the soup into a bag and throw it into the garbage. Instead, I poured the soupy contents into its own plastic bag and began washing out the inside of the can (because I wanted to recycle it). So, apparently this was a BAD thing to do(???). My mom started SCREAMING (literally) at me b/c I was "going to make the house smell" somehow, by pouring the contents into a bag and washing out the can. As if it would make any difference - the kitchen already smelled b/c the rotten odor of the soup hit the air. In any way, its the most stupid inconsequential thing either, but my mom started freaking out. She said how I was so smart to test the can for freshness seeing as it was "popped" but yet (in her words) "something is missing in your brain" b/c of the way I wanted to throw the can out. Ugh, she means well but UGH UGH UGH!!!

I want to be a MAN - but its impossible in this house. I'm literally still shaking. Nothing I do is ever right. Nothing is even close to right. How am I supposed to go out there and kick ass in the world when someone is always breathing down my neck here and telling me everything I do wrong. I just feel like the most incompetent moron in the world. Its not fair...I should feel "built up" and have some self esteem, but UGHHHH! I can't wait to finally get out. As usual, I locked myself in my room for the rest of the day to hide from my mom while she is in a bad mood, b/c of something I did. Well, soon enough world...soon enough I'll come for ya. Can't wait to see what its like to make a move without getting yelled at!! G-d forbid I should breathe, right?

Question...

Q: What do a hard-boiled egg and a can of tomato soup have in common?
A: More reasons for my mom to freak out at my sister and I.

Details later....

Hmmm - I really *DO* need a reality show, lol!

"The Case of the Missing Envelope" or "Retail Therapy"

So, today was *quite* the interesting day. This morning, I woke up like almost any other morning and went into the kitchen to eat breakfast. (Okay, okay...it was mid-morning and I totally overslept, but...details, details...)In any event, my mom was stumbling about frantically and looking for something in the kitchen, and then in other rooms of the house. I proceeded to eat my "Half the Sugar! Quaker Oatmeal" (or whatever it is called), knowing better than to ask. Eventually I heard my mom yelling, "Where is it? Where is it? Who touched the mail? I need that envelope!" It turns out some envelope was missing that she had seen "just yesterday" that contains some important information on someone who stole her identity/credit card. They didn't steal much, but I guess she really wanted to find that envelope. Which is totally normal, right?

Well, I swear to G-d she started to freak! She found my dad and started yelling at him for touching the mail. He told her that he didn't touch the mail. He asked me if I did and I said, "Nope." He suggested my sister Dana (who was at work) probably touched the mail. Well - whoa - she started to freak! I don't want to repeat what she said b/c it makes her sound insane. But she basically started cussing at my dad and calling him a liar and all this really weird shit. I *LOVE* my Mom - don't get me wrong, she is a great lady deep down. But she is a broken person. And she can be completely irrational. She digs into my poor father like you wouldn't believe. My father isn't the easiest person in the world to deal with either, but he always works his ass off and means his best. She just freaks out at him for no reason and it really hurts. For some reason, this morning it hurt more than most. I don't really want to go into it, b/c I don't want my blog to be a forum to bash my family all the time...but it just was horrible. I told my Dad that I supported him, and that I was on his side in this. But in true Dad fashion he just said, "There are no sides here! We're a family and we're a team!" I love him, but he is such a doormat for my mom most of the time. Every now and then he gets irrational himself, but he really just lets her degrade him 24/7 and it makes me sick. It's basically like this with my parents - if its not one of them acting crazy, its the other one. If you think one will be on your side - they won't, and the other one suprisingly will be. You absolutely can't predict their volatility at all! In the middle of my mom yelling at my dad, she started telling me that I was in her way and to get out of the kitchen. I swear, I just wanted to eat my breakfast in peace!! She screamed at me to get out of the way and told me to stop lollygagging around her kitchen and to get a life! UGHHH! That woman always knows how to cut me with words. When she isn't praising me and telling me that "I can do anything!" she is putting me down and telling me that I'm a waste (Passive/Aggressive much?!?). Anyway, I quickly finished my breakfast and got myself out of the kitchen. Tears were welling up in my eyes...

I'm 25 years old! Hell - I'm almost 26!! And still, G-d love her, My mom can make me feel about 5 years old and 2 inches tall. Its amazing how quickly she can burst my balloon and deflate any optimism I have inside of me. Aren't I supposed to be a MAN at this point in my life? Aren't I supposed to have confidence and intelligence and talent and ability? Well, I probably have all of those things - except for the confidence and without confidence - you are robbed of all the rest. Ugh.

I just knew I had to get out of my house. I didn't know where I was headed, but I got in my car and went. I didn't even have a chance to shower. But I had to get out of my house. I couldn't be here while my mom kept lashing into my father and looking for this freaking envelope. Talk about an overreacting drama queen! Maybe that is too cruel, in fact I know it is. My mom needs help and needs to talk to someone. But whatever - why do I have to be dragged into this every second of my life. I KNOW I am by farrrrrrrrrrr the ideal son or the easiest person to deal with, and I certainly have my own demons - but I don't deserve this. In any event, I digress. I ended up driving 45 minutes away to one of the largest malls in the country, The Palisades Center. I have always called it "The Palisades Mall", but whatever. Anyway - I wanted to drive for an extended period of time, listen to some tunes, and just get the hell outta dodge.

While I was walking around this massive mall (I think its one of the largest in the U.S., if not the world) and contemplating my present life and how I'm going to get to the future, I also had another goal in mind - skinny jeans! That's right. I have never really owned a pair of jeans that fit me right. Of course, "fit me right" is extremely subjective. Big and baggy was in for most of my teenage years and beyond, but today, especially for the Gays - slim cut and low/rise is in. Not that I have the body for that - because I most certainly do NOT, but I need jeans that are more shapely. I don't have much of a body, but I have a pretty decent ass, haha. Gotta showcase that baby off! With all the massive sales going on, I checked out a bunch of stores - but I really don't have patience for trying on clothing item after clothing item. After comparing cuts and looking at prices, I decided to try on a few pairs from Men's Express. I've never bought anything from them before, but always wanted to. Their clothing is pretty simple and stylish. They were having HUGE "After Christmas" sales - and who am I to say no to a bargain! Eventually I found two pairs that fit me decently. It was hard to find the right sizes and colors since most of the good stuff was already bought up. Most of the available inventory was for overly fat or overly short people. The average/mean length and waist was all but gone. Yet - I found two nice dark jeans. One is a dark navy and one is a darker blackish-navy. They are slightly different - although not much. I really, REALLY wanted something in a much lighter color, but gave in b/c the fit was real good. They are really only appropriate for "Night-time/Clubbing" - but I haven't done much going out at night or clubbing in a long time, so I don't know when I'll wear them. Maybe I need to find a reason to go out and wear them out now, haha! I really wanted "daily wearers" that were lighter, but I'll live. I have to say that, although happy with the cut, I wasn't feeling too happy after I bought them. I spent WAY more than I wanted to. Only one of the pairs turned out to be on sale, and the other pair was FULL PRICE! Ughhh, who pays full price?!? I don't even have $$ to begin with! Of course I'm too much of a pussy to say anything, so I took it anyway. I wish I could be like most Gay's and charge with wreckless abandon, but I'm not in that position in my life yet. Maybe someday, but I'm nowhere near it right now. Instead of feeling satisfied that I bought jeans for the first time in over a year and finally had a pair that fit me decently - I just wanted to throw up at the money I spent. Where is the Jew in me? I should have not bought or returned the full price jeans immediately, lol! Oh well, it was a bad morning and I needed some retail therapy - so be it! Now I have booty pants, haha! :)

Of course, when I got home after a long day of perusing the mall, my mom had made a really nice dinner and things with her and my dad were fine. As always, they act like nothing had gone on before. It just annoys me - I mean its good they get over stuff fast, but I hate brushing the "dirt under the rug" so to speak. I was really hurt for me, for my dad, and for the state my mom has gone to. Blah - I don't want to talk about this anymore. I just need some space. I just feel really sad for my family. I mean my mom DOES so much for all of us, but her words sure can cut. They say actions speak louder than words though, right? So why do certain inappropriate words hurt so much? Blah...I've said to much, I have to shut up so I don't delete this blog in the future, lol. My parents are great, its just...complicated!

Anyway, I hope someday I make lots and lots of money, so that if bad stuff goes on in my life, I can actually afford to do retail therapy *RIGHT* and not feel sick afterward, lol! Here's to a future where THAT is possible! ;)

P.S.: Sorry, no photos of the booty jeans taken YET - so just enjoy the shopping bag at the top, lol! :)

P.P.S.: I never did ask about that envelope after I returned home. Who knows if it turned up! lol.

2007: Year of Changes?

Photo taken of me outside of a restaurant called "Susan's" in Peekskill, NY on 12.31.2006

Happy New Year, everyone! I wished it to you all on New Year's Eve, but there has been no word from me since the clock struck midnight and the new year officially commenced. It's 2007 now and I guess its time for some reflections on 2006 and to share my hopes and dreams for the new year. Why not, right?

Well, I don't know...my mind is more on 2007, so I'd rather share that, but I'll reflect really quickly. Oddly enough, 2006 was one of the BEST years of my life. Going into 2006, I remember being incredibly scared and nervous. As I had taken the previous semester off of school (Fall 2005), I just wasn't sure what to be doing with my life. Well, I re-enrolled for Spring 2006 and I'm so glad I did. With a gruelling schedule that saw me take many credits in the Spring, taking Summer session, and taking many credits in the Fall - I was able to complete the rest of my degree quicker than I previously thought was possible. That is by far the biggest accomplishment of the past year and will hopefully lead to bigger changes and doors opening up in my life in the future. I also got to take some amazing trips to South Beach to see my beloved Court in March, April, and August. I also got to visit Puerto Rico for four days with my older sister Meri. In addition, I got to see two Broadway plays ("Hairspray" with Meri for my 25th birthday and "Wicked" with the incomparable Countess and her friend Kat.) I don't know where all these amazing events and time shared with special people in my life came from, but I count my blessings. I count my blessings for strengthening the bond with friends I have made in the past this year, and for all the new friends I met along the way. I also count my lucky stars that no one in my family got sick and that my ill Poppy didn't get any sicker. While there are certainly things that I didn't get to accomplish, I'll be damned if I beat myself up over it - that's what the future is for, right? 2006 was an amazing year and I am so thankful for everything I experienced this past year. Yay!

2007...Hmm, that is a tricky one. I made a goal to myself during the beginning of last year that if I was able to pull graduating in December off that I would be in South Beach for New Year's. I didn't know if I would be living there or just visiting, but I told myself that at 12:00 am on the dot on New Year's Eve/Morning that my feet would be in the ocean and contemplating the future. Well, that didn't happen. But I'm okay with it. New Year's Eve/Day is just a time to make resolutions and plans for our future. Its a time to remind us of where we would like to be headed. There is no reason we can't have a little "New Year's" every single day of our lives. There is nothing to stop me from readjusting or plotting out my goals on, say, January 4, 2007, right? ;) I may have been on the couch at home with my Mom, Dad, younger sister Dana and her boyfriend George, along with my cats Sunny and Misty - watching "Dick Clark's Rockin' New Year's Eve" whilst watching the ball drop in Times Square at midnight, but so what! It was nice, and I should be thankful for that. I really had a very nice evening going out to a fancy restaurant in Peekskill, NY. They had a special New Year's menu. I got potato pancakes with caviar, french onion soup, lobster tails, and bread pudding for dessert. MMMMM! Not a bad way to ring in 2007!!! :) Besides - the rest of my future is still in front of me, and how I spent my New Year's Eve doesn't proscribe anything for the rest of the year! :) Believe me...the ocean off of the 12th Street Beach in South Beach, Miami will hopefully see my toes very soon!! :-)

Actually, 2007 is the year I hope to move. I hope to do so pretty soon. But I'm not going to put some kind of artificial deadline to myself either. This is supposed to be a happy time, and I have been letting it stress me out a little too much. I need to take another trip to Florida. (Another? I know, I know...) But I have to. I have to go find a place to live and a place to work. Why I am so scared about that, I don't know. But its something I'm 99% choosing to do. 1% of me still thinks I should continue living at home, take the LSAT's, and apply to some law schools and have a future in law. But there is a part of me that is really yearning for independence and wants to try out some kind of real estate career down south, and wants to experience the somewhat grown-up social life that I am lacking here. I'm not miserable here with my family, but I don't feel free either. I don't blame them for being parents (they are probably too good at that), but in the end I'm going to have to be the one to cut the chord, b/c they certainly won't. I'm scared as hell to do so (its a symbiotic relationship, afterall!), but I have dreams too - and I want this to be the year I go after them. I may fall flat on my face trying, but I'll never know unless I do. So - that is where my mind is currently at. I want to take a trip to FL in 2 or 3 weeks and see what I can find. Pretty simply - if I can find a decent enough job in somewhat of the real estate field and a decent enough place to live, I'll move there. Yikes - it sounds scary to be that close and for this to be happening - but I'm willing to take the journey to find out. Now is the time.

I also made a bit of a commitment today for my next Florida adventure. I bought the "Sirius Satellite Radio: Sportster 4 Car Kit" from Best Buy today. I didn't get it installed (b/c they are missing some type of FM Modulator that I still need to purchase), but I will have it installed soon. How the heck is this a commitment for FL? Well, I want to actually drive down next time. I don't know if I will - but its a thought. I need to be entertained if I drive for 2 or 3 days one way - b/c lord knows I'm nervous enough driving around town, lol. I just want to get some independence and explore this world more and try and claim my own life. Its not that I haven't been living my life in the past, but I haven't been doing so with confidence or by going after things that make my heart sing. I don't know if I'll find that this year, but I'm ready to begin searching. Hmmmmm....2007...Its going to be an interesting year! I'll do my best to make it a good one! :-)