Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh - Freak Out!

Me "Freakin' Out" in my Bedroom on October 29, 2006.

Although it has never really let up, I feel like its happening again - its "freak out" season! Anyone who knows me knows that as the days of my life progress I just get increasingly more overwhelmed about the great unknown of "the future." I don't know why, because its certainly not for lack of trying to calm down. I take deep breaths, I try not to sweat "the small stuff", I try to read inspirational and uplifting works of literature, I try to focus on just the present day alone - and yet I can't seem to. Ladies and gentleman - I may be good at many things, but one thing I am terribly and attrociously horrible at is just calming down and not feeling overwhelmed by what is to come (or not to come). What should be one of the most interesting and exciting times in my life is turning into one of the most anxiety ridden and debilitating - and that just plain sucks. I'm turning into my own worst enemy, and I don't know how to put the brakes on the situation! Ahhhhhhhh - freak out! (Le freak, c’est chic?)

Its like this - I am sucking where it counts the most. (NO, not like that you pervs!!!) Right now, I really, really, really need to be on top of my game, but I'm not at all. I should be doing excellent in school (I got a 4.0 the past two semesters and really "brought it"), but I'm just not. Its not that the subject matter is more difficult than it has been in the past (which it sort of is), but rather that I just can't focus. I'm so wrapped up in being scared about my future that its very hard to focus on today. I know that makes absolutely no sense whatsoever, but I just can't. I hate to bring up bad cliches, but I can't seem to see the forest through the trees. Logically, I know that I am young, smart, cute, capable, and more important than anything money can buy, something I have learned in the past few years through my Poppy's battle - I have my health. That should be worth its weight in gold, right? And yet, with all those assets, my brain just seems to focus on my deficits. The negative voice just seeps in and I can't get it to be silent, no matter how hard I try...

What are you going to do after you finish school, Jesse? You have no career prospects, so you can't move far away from home. You've never been independent, how are you going to start now? You don't speak Spanish, so forget employment in Miami! You can't parallel park, so how are you going to get anywhere? You're too shy, so how are you going to be productive at a job? You wear your heart on your sleeve and tell strangers too much about you too soon - you're just going to scare everyone away! If you're so smart why are you so far behind at the age of 25? Shouldn't you have been further along by now? What makes you think you will be able to "play catch-up" at this point? Everyone tells you not to take such a huge risk, who are you to defy them? Do you really want to come home with your head down and your tail between your legs when you fail?

Believe me - I hate feeling/thinking this way. I hate it more than anything! And when I say hate it, I mean that I truly hate it! I don't want to be locked into an introspective "Whoa-is-me" pattern for the rest of my life. But these fears, doubts, and anxieties race through my head at 100 miles-per-hour almost every second of the day each and every day. And its very, very, very, very hard to tell them to shut the f-ck up! I want to believe in myself, I want to believe I have a bright future, I want to believe that I am capable of achieving greatness, I want to believe that I can become better tomorrow than I am today, I want to believe that life can be better than it is today, I want to believe that the best is yet to come, I want to see the light at the end of the tunnel and I want to have the conviction that can only come from within that I'm going to get there, and I'm going to get there soon. But yet something always stops me in my tracks and cuts me off at the pass. (Again, the cliches - I appologize). I know that failure in the past isn't necessarily an indicator of where you are headed in the future, and yet I can't let go of my demons. I wish I could be free enough to say "I have no regrets" but, boy oh boy - that couldn't be further from the truth! We all make mistakes, and I realize that. But why do I feel like I wear mine like a Scarlett Letter upon my neck that I am doomed to suffer the consequences from for all eternity? Where is the future? Where is the "clean slate"?

I'm getting wordy once again (when am I not?), so I'll have to wrap this up. My basic point is that I'm not doing so well in school, I want to graduate with a good GPA, and I am scared as fuck as far as what is coming next. If I could go back in time a few months, I probably would have taken the LSAT instead an applied to law school. Not b/c being a lawyer is my dream, but because I want a financially secure and professional future where someone can't fire me or lay me off at a whim. I'd love, love, LOVE more than anything else to be an entrepreneur - but I don't think I have the wherewithall (at least at this point in my life) to be one. I feel like I have so much to offer, and yet I don't know what exactly that is. I just want to tap into my unlimited potential and to "kick ass" at life. A few years ago, I was working for $8 and hour folding towels. It was the most depressing time in my life. I do NOT want to end up back there. I thought after getting my Bachelor Degree that I would never have to be in that position again. And yet - I feel like I'm still there. Through all the years of schooling and good grades and trying my damned hardest - I still feel like I'm destined to fold towels for $8 an hour. Or to be someone's poolboy. And that's not the kind of life/future I envision for myself. I want to be a person of capability, a person of merit, someone people go to to help solve their problems and someone who has something of value to offer and provide.

At a point in my life where I thought I'd be filled with ANSWERS, I find myself filled with more QUESTIONS than ever before. At the end of the day, I think *that* is what depresses me the most. I want confidence, and I want ANSWERS, not QUESTIONS. Instead, I am asking myself if I should stay home longer and go to law school, if I should go back to school to be an interior designer, if I should get a job with some corporation and hope that I'll like it and eventually get paid through them to go back to school, if I should just take a leap of faith and move down to FL and hope I fall into a decent job (aka not folding towels or cleaning pools), etc. With all my intelligence, I feel like a big fat incapable idiot. Grrrrrr, I want answers - not questions. ANSWERS! Ahhhhhh - freak out!

One Short (Perfect) Day...

The Countess and I after seeing 'Wicked', October 6, 2006.

Ms. Elphaba herself - Eden Espinoza and I after seeing 'Wicked', October 6, 2006.

Back in happier times, you can see me above with one of the most amazing people I have ever met - The Countess Bedelia herself. Although a lot is going on in my life (or in my head rather) these days, before I get into that I decided to
post a blog about the night The Countess took me to see Wicked on Broadway. It was truly one of the most magical nights that I have experienced. Let us now go back, back, waaaaaaaay back to the night of October 6, 2006...

So, the evening began with me checking out my younger sister's place of employment in NYC. She works at a big advertising agency and gets all the sorts of fun perks that go along with it - free manicures/pedicures, free lunches and dinners at the hottest most exclusive restaurants in Manhattan, VIP/Box seats at sporting events and concerts, etc. But it comes with the price of working 80 hour weeks, no overtime, and getting what equals out to hourly probably less than minimum wage. No thank you - yuck! Actually - I admire my younger sister a ton. What she has been able to do - trek into the city day in and day out, work an INSANE amount of hours that she is completely not justly compensated for...she is just really trying to "make it" in this world, and I admire here for that. She is able to do what I haven't brought myself to really do yet. Well, I shouldn't say that - I've been there. But she's really making an honest go of it and I appreciate that. In any event, I visited her building for the first time and met some of her coworkers. They were all "busy" working in their little cubicles, said I spoke too loud, and I found them to generally be without personalities. My sis really loves them, but they honestly didn't leave much of an impression on me at all. One lady however, the lady that works directly above my sister was totally cool. My sis later called me and said that this lady told her that she loved my hair. I officially love her for life! :)

Anywayyyyyyyyyy....after I left my sister I took the subway to Times Square, where I proceeded to the Sheraton hotel on 53rd and something (7th?). There, sitting like a vision across the way was the woman of the hour - The Countess. She was sitting down in the Sheraton's pianobar drinking that Glencriquet or whatever drink it is she loves so much, waving to me and beckoning me over. There I sat, face to face with royalty itself. She started telling me about all the raucous trouble she stirred at a fundraiser the previous night, but I am not one to kiss and tell. Eventually, The Countess' friend Cat came over and joined us at the table. All I have to say is that The Countess is infinitely fabulous, and so are her friends! This woman does NOT associate with bad people! Cat was like a rare gem in a sea of rocks. She was a rockin lesbian grandma, and I instantly fell in love. If The Countess ever turned lesbian, I think she should go for Cat. HELL - if she doesn't, maybe *I* will turn lesbian and go for Cat! They are two rockin' grandma's and I love them both! They are NOT your grandparents version of grandma's! Luvs them!!! After recounting move events to me about the fundraiser for gay right/marriage the previous night, we headed over to Rosie O'Grady's where I had a Chicken Courdon Bleu, Cat had the Sea Scallops, and The Countess had the perennial favorite - Lobster Ravioli. Good food and good company - what more could you ask for?

WICKED! That is what more you could ask for - and The Countess, she did deliver! You should have seen the mouths on Cat and I DROP when we got into the theater for Wicked. Our seats were basically 7th row CENTER STAGE! I have never had such good seats to anything in my life. Any other Broadway show, or Concert I have been to...I have pretty much sat in the back, back, waaaaaaaaay back seats. I couldn't believe that for once I could actually see the play itself. I could see the costumes, the facial expressions on the characters/actors, the action itself...etc. It was so so so magical! The play itself was magical. Everything about it - the production value, the costumes, the dancing, the vocals, the actors/actresses, the story, etc...it was SO MAGICAL! Wow...I don't know where to start or where to finish. I have been drinking some Pinot, so I'm not sure if this blog makes sense or if it will get published, but I sure hope it does! :) The play was amazzzzzzzzzzzzing!!! After the show, The Countes, Cat, and I waited backstage to get autographs. I couldn't believe it when Ms. Elphaba herself, Eden Espinoza came equipped with a pen to sign my playbill AND take a picture with me. It came out sooooo good too! Man, we all had a blast!!!

After the show, The Countess, Cat and I went to a Starbucks. Cat and I further bonded over our love of Chai Tea latte's. She then proceeded to tell me an amazing story about her youth, travelling around with Aerosmith, her Irish cousins, the other gay's in her family, and an amazing, amazing, amazing story about The Doors. The Countess also told some kickass stories about her children, her grandson, and following around The Greatful Dead fans on a Mountain in California. AHHHHHHHHH good times! I don't kiss and tell though, so none of those secrets will be revealed to you from me! However I just want to say THANK YOU SO MUCH to The Countess and Cat for an amazing, magical, wonderful "One Short Day In The Emerald City". *SIGH*! I Love these women!!! :-)

Time of Need...

I hate to sound like a needy bitch, but I really really REALLY could use a hug right about now! :-*(

I REALLY Need to Update...

Wow...I haven't written in a long time. And there is so much to write about. I just...haven't. I feel like I've fallen so behind that I can't catch up. Everyone has been so prolific in their blogs lately. I can't compete. Sigh...I really do need to write something and update though. I feel so out of touch. Where do I begin!

My experience in talking to guys....

"He didn't want to talk about politics," the page said. "He wanted to talk about sex or my penis," the page said.

Okay, that is totally a quote taken from ABC News Online, wherein a page talks about his experience working with Mark Foley. However, it is the official quote of the day, lol! :-)