Overwhelmed!

Have you ever felt 110% overwhelmed by the future? I know I shouldn't, and I know I should just take a few deep breaths - but lately this feeling of being overwhelmed has been growing inside me by leaps and bounds. Where I want to be is so far from where I am that it seems almost an insurmountable task to cross that chasm, and yet I want to. I don't know. I am just so lost and confused right now, moreso than I have been in a long time. I want to feel like I am working toward some kind of amazing future, and yet I just don't know. Obviously none of us have any guarantees as to what the future is going to bring, but I don't even feel like I have the opportunity to find out, even though I know deep down that I do. I try to go to a really quiet place and turn off all the lights, sit and think/meditate to find the answers "within" as to what path I should head down, but buzz words like - "health insurance", "money", "job", "career", "family", "difficulty", etc, etc, etc, etc....creep in on there instead.

I hate all these doubts and questions. It makes it VERY difficult to come from a place of certainty/confidence as to where I should go and how I should get there. I wish I could make this fear go away, b/c it's hard to take any kind of action whatsoever when coming from a place filled with it. I should be my own best asset, but lots of times I am my own worst enemy instead. I just want to be SOMEBODY and do something GREAT. I should be excited about that, right? Why am I overwhelmed by my own ambition and how far I am from it? Shouldn't that be something to look foward to? Grrr - I can't even get out the gate.

I just want the pieces to finally come together. I've made some truly awful decisions in the past, and don't trust myself to make any of the big decisions before - which is really sad. I just want to make the RIGHT decisions. I want to know what I'm doing and be happy doing it. I want to be the "go to" guy. I want to be successful. I want the confidence that I am working doing something I love, making good money for it, have my own place that I created for myself in this world, and have my friends and family to share it all with. It seems feasible, but why does it feel so far away and impossible at the same time? Grrrrr, I just feel so overwhelmed! :-(

Everyone Should Be The Steward Of Their Own Self Worth...

*I am reposting this from another journal entry that I just wrote. It's on my mind, so let me know what you think! :-)

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So,

I was sitting in my "Philosophy of Law/Government" class yesterday and I had an experience that was very dissappointing to me. To preface the situation:

The professor was discussing Aristotle and his philosophies on the ideal state, citizen participation in government affairs, the trial system of Athens, and how to divide up wealth. Aristotle felt that all the wealth should not be divided into a class system where some would get an exhorbitant amount while some would get little or none of the wealth. However, I believe that Aristotle saw the dangers in having a socialist government system too, whereby everyone is supposed to share the wealth (and usually just the state ends up getting it all while the citizens get none). So, the professor said how Aristotle came up with the compromise of wealth based on merit - what we in effect have today in Capitalist forms of government. The teacher said something along the lines of "No one could argue with wealth based on merit, right? So we accept that today." Well - this is then the shiz-it hit the fizz-an! One girl raised her hand...

"I disagree. What about those who don't have the same opportunities because of their race/creed/religion, etc. The merit system isn't fair to them because they don't have a chance!"

I can see the validity in her point far more than the second student that raised her hand, but I'll get back that in a minute. This next girl who raised her hand said...

"I disagree too! What about those who don't work hard and get paid a lot for it? Like people who do television commercials and make $10,000 for a commercial? That's not fair!"

UGHHHHHHHHHHHH - okay, now I have to get on my soap box and get pissed off. So bear with me while I vent...

I can understand issue #1 far greater than #2, and I said as much above. But listen - one way or another, the majority of us are born "disadvantaged" with the distance of the entire world standing between us and success. However - as overwhelming as this may seem at the outset, this chasm can be crossed regardless of race, creed, religion, sexual orientation, physical disability, etc. Merit is merit. A is A. If you have something you work hard for, believe in - something that lights the fire within your very soul, then you are going to make it in this world. So many people go through life feeling helpless, hopeless, and depressed - and that is one of the greatest tragedies of Humanity in the 21st century (and has been for many centuries past!). The thing we need to do is to stop blaming and to start believing, start achieving. We have to be a little more individually selfish and realize our OWN self value - because if everyone takes care of themselves, life will take care of you. I'm not saying it will be easy, but I'm not saying that it will be as hard as everyone thinks it will be either. When you believe in yourself, amazing things can happen! That's not just blowing smoke up one's ass, that's the truth. I say this not because I want to make appologies for the horrible ways that entire groups of people have been disenfranchised throughout our country and our world's history (Not at all! It's dispicable!), but because I want to give people the key how to move forward and to acheive a lifetime full of joy, achievement, success, wealth, and self worth. It starts with believing in yourself. We can't remain brooding over things about ourselves that we cannot change. We must accept and LOVE ourselves for who we are - and then we can truly begin the journey to greatness. If you're a good person, believe in yourself, and have something to offer the world - trust me, you will be rewarded!

As far as issue #2 that the second female in my class raised - this just makes me sad. It's the philosophy of a hopeless human being believing in destruction over creation. Rather then view the complete path that the television commercial actress had to take to get to success, someone is willing to destroy her merit in their mind's eye because she has it "easy". Who knows how many years that actress had to work as a waitress before landing her first television commercial. Who knows if she will even get another commercial for another year, if that. Sure - the actress may have made $10,000 in a few hours of work, but that's what the market will bear. Plus - if that actress isn't to land another commercial for say an entire year - you try living off of $10,000 for a year! Her passion, talent, and abilities guide her. That is capitalism - being rewarded for your merit based on what you have to offer, and your ability to tackle all the obstacles in the way of taking you there. Why are people so quick to judge before taking in the whole picture? Whatever happened to the old Native American proverb "Don't judge a man unless you have walked a mile in his moccasins."? That actress deserves every penny that she receives for that commercial, and you know it! People need to spend less time pointing fingers, judging others, and being jealous of others accomplishments, and more time building themselves up and turning themselves into the kind of citizens, individuals, family members, partners/spouses, and business people that they would like to be. Again, it's the act of creation versus the act of destruction. It's your life - what do you want to do with it?

I am a firm believer in this world, this country, and the fact that - above almost everything else - everyone has to know their own self worth to succeed in life. Listen, I haven't had the easiest life and I haven't had the hardest life either. Some people have it far better, some people have it far worse. And that's fine, we are all handed a deck of cards in this life. It's how we play them that count. The poorest of the poor can climb the heights of society to become the richest of the rich (that is exactly how many of our most wealthy have started out in life!). Vice verse, the wealthiest of the wealthy can fall to the lowest of the low if they aren't careful. It's all about believing in yourself and perseverance. When I was at my lowest and valued myself at my lowest, I was working in a terrible working environment standing on my feet for 12-14 hours a day, folding towels for $8 an hour. However, through my love of myself and my love of my life I forced myself to seek out a better environment, to return to school, and to finish it despide the obstacles that lay in my way. I've been jilted and jerked in love more times than most people I know, and in pretty dirty ways. I probably have less in my life savings then most "Middle Class" Americans make in a month of their life. But none of that matters, because I have the key to success - I realize that I am the master of my own destiny, and I BELIEVE IN MYSELF. It may not be tomorrow, it may not be next year, but I just know that I am going to become an incredibly successful person. And I want other people to know that YOU CAN TOO! It starts when you stop blaming others, stop living in the past, and start realizing how great you are, the amazing opportunities that exist before you, and start listening to the universe around you.

I'm sorry, but to those girls in my class - we SHOULD be compensated based on merit because when everyone provides their very best, they will be rewarded based upon it. The world is a better place for it. And you will be a happier person for it. Find something you love and do it. And above all else - believe in yourself! We really do all have to be the stewards of our own self value. No one will give that to you, in fact most people will only try to bring you down. Your only guard against the destruction from others is your absolute iron conviction in your own self worth. Never let that falter, for it will never bring you astray or let you down.

Life. Liberty. The Pursuit of Happiness. We live in a society where we are free to have and accomplish all of the aforementioned. Never forget it! You are you. Merit is merit. A is A.


-J.B.F. 9/26/2006

It's The Return Of...Jesse Stewart!

Melting some butter...





Sugary, pecan mixture.





The fruits of my labor! :-)

So, I totally have to leave my house in about 2 minutes for a fun-filled family time at my Aunt Lori and Uncle Bruce's house for the Rosh Hashanah celebration. But - before I leave I decided that I must post a quick blog. Actually, it moreso had something to do with dear Uncle Alexis threating me to write a new blog "or else" and something about inconveniencing me with a coup if I were not to write a blog right this instant! :P

In any event, last weekend for my father's birthday, I baked my first ever pecan pie. My dad loves nuts (and so does his son - haha, wink, wink...ok that's gross lol!), and so I thought he would love a home baked pecan pie. Thanks to the Food Network recipe of everyone's favorite Southern cooking belle, Paula Deen, I was able to gather the ingredients together and go to work. After all is said and done, I have to say that I was really happy with how it came out. It was a pretty simple recipe, but big on taste. Paula had me throw in some bourbon for good measure, and I can't complain about the taste. It was delish - and hopefully my family agreed. Somewhere, I really feel that Martha cries out that she wishes I could be her son. Okay, maybe only in my fantasy, but go with it! ;)

The only reason I was able to bake this pie was b/c my parents went out (for once!) to a craft fair on my dad's birthday. If they were home, there's no way I'd be able to use the kitchen. I can't wait till I have my own place and can make more beautiful (albeit healthy) culinary creations. I can't wait! Oh Martha, I'm dreaming about you too!!! ;)

Back to Reality, Oops There Goes Gravity...

Well - let me tell you that this week was a crazy slap back to reality! Good or bad, I came home, started the semester at school and got as far from South Beach as one can get - both in distance and lifestyle.

Before I left South Beach on Sunday, I kept trying to have an inner monologue telling myself that "it would all be alright" upon my return home, and that it was a good thing. I missed my bed, my cats, and told myself that if for nothing else - it would be good to return to them. Well, for whatever reason, Sunny the cat wanted nothing to do with me when I first returned home (attitude!), and my bed just didn't feel as comfortable as I remembered it. Maybe that was all in my head or not, but it didn't feel the same. As one of my friends put it, "whenever you leave home, you never come back as the same person." More then ever, after this trip, I feel that is true. Being able to come and go as I pleased, being able to see my friends almost every day *sigh* - I'm waxing nostalgic already and I haven't even been home a week, lol!

But, by far the BIGGEST slap back to reality since coming home has been the start of the school semester. Having the two-hour-one-way commute and being in class until 9pm on Wednesday had to be the most surreal experience of my life. When I got up on Wednesday morning, all I could think about was "72 hours ago, I was in South Beach. 72 hours ago, I was in South Beach..." As I made the commute, sat through boring class after boring class, and spent almost $500 I don't have on books - I just couldn't wrap my mind around the whole experience. This Saturday I'll most likely be studying, and doing any number of the boring/soul-killing homework assignments that have already been given to me, while somewhere Miss Tiffany and Geraldine will be shaking their asses on a bar lipsyncing to Diva's. It's going to be a really hard semester. My last class of the day, which ends at 9pm - would be the class you most want to tune out. However, apparently this teacher is a tyrant. Before he got in the classroom, one of the students was saying how he failed him last semester because his mother died and the teacher had no understanding of that! When the teacher walked in, one girl (who I'm assuming has had him in a past class) picked up her bags and literally STORMED out of the room. She very abruptly said "Excuse me!" as she walked out, to which he responded "Good Luck." I got the most nasty, vile, karma I have ever felt in that moment - you could have sliced through it with a knife. Now, I'm not big into that sort of stuff, but the ominous cloud I felt over this class creeped me out bigtime. *SIGH* I just hope I get through it, get through my other classes, graduate, and move on to the next chapter in my life. Welcome back to reality, Jesse!