Stanley

If ever there was a bastion of pasty-white Irish boys, South Beach would not be it, lol. Yet, there I was on Friday, March 17 - awakening to the view of the Miami sunrise over the ocean as seen from 1200 Ocean Drive. Not that I am complaining - being with my South Beach parents Uncle Alexis and Papa Ian, the 77 degree Fahrenheit weather, and the musclemen jogging by - one could make due without the little green Leprechaun's. And that is all besides the point - we all know everyone is Irish on St. Patrick's Day anyway! So there I was, in my proverbial Heaven, and luckily with a green t-shirt packed to boot. Now, upon packing my bag I totally forgot that it was St. Patrick's day, so I didn't pack a green T-shirt for that purpose at all. Rather I packed almost every single article of clothing I owned for my 3 night/4 day stay b/c of "WHAT IF". "WHAT IF" is every fag's nightmare that upon being away from home they need every article in Modern Western Civilization at their disposal. "WHAT IF" came in handy for inadvertantly packing a St. Patrick's day t-shirt and having an extra shirt for the Wedding of the Century (TM), when my other shirt got some stains on it that looked like clam dip. (I'll explain that later, lol).

So, shortly after we woke up and came to the realization that it was St. Patrick's Day, Ian had a panic attack that he TOO did not have a green t-shirt for the special day. This crisis was quickly averted though. This was all due to the help of an amazing new person I met while I was in South Beach named Stanley...

While in staying in the royal apartment above the Palace, Uncle Alexis brought out ALL the stops for dear Papa Ian. Uncle A. went so far as to get Ian his very own very submissive and very gay man-servant named Stanley. While my dear uncle was busy working his official duties below at The Palace, Ian's personal man-servant would be there to cater to his every whim, except for sexual. Alexis heavily threatened Stanley if he should dare make the slightest loving glance over to his betrothed. Stanley is a 37 year old gay man originally from Ecuador, who has lived in America as a sous-chef/personal assistant to D-list Miami celebrities for the past 6 years. Stanley is never seen without his own personal copy of Anna Karenina or the latest issue of US Weekly, only wears hot pink clothing with aquamarine colored accessories (he wants to look like a "living breathing art deco exhibit"), has a permanent broken wrist and heavy Ecuadorian accent with a heavier lisp, takes estrogen pills to be more "full figured" but swears he is not becoming a pre-op Transexual, and is constantly self proclaiming himself as "Faaaaaagulous!". Stanley can constantly be heard answering the official Palace telephone with a heavy lisp saying, "Hello, this ist Thstanley. Palath, How may I help jew?" When Stanley wasn't busy taking messages from customers, his job is to do whatever Ian says. Believe me - you do NOT want to get an Argentinian mad! My Papa Ian is the sweetest Argentinian I know, but if Stanley does not obey him, he will hit him over the head with a telephone faster than Naomi Campbell will get in a hair-pulling bitchfight with her personal assistant! Luckily for Papa Ian, Alexis only hires the best, and Stanley was well worth the expense. Stanley found Ian a green polo shirt to wear for St. Patrick's day very quickly, the crisis was averted. Although the shirt may not have been green enough for Ian's liking, it would do and save Stanley a spanking. Stanley was also very sweet to me. Every morning Stanley would bring Ian and me our morning coffee. If Ian did not get the right amount of sugar, Stanley would have hell to pay - so the coffee was always impeccable! I heard Ian even told Stanley to run out and get matching sheets for the sofa-bed I slept on during my stay so that everything would be as "Martha Stewart" as possible for my visit. That Stanley certainly pulled out all the stops and delivered! Life is just not the same without Stanley there. The only time he would get rowdy was on his 15 minute breaks, when he would go down to The Palace bathrooms and try to find Latino men to perform The Stanley Steamer on. I will never use a vacuum cleaner in the same way ever again!

I can't BELIEVE this Ship...

We interrupt this irregularly schedule blog, to bring you a current events story in my life. YES - I was supposed to be posting about my Miami trip, and I absolutely postiively WILL, but right now I'm in shock over this whole situation. It's simply too crazy to believe. You HAVE to hear this...


This is the craziest thing that has ever happened to my family. And believe me some VERY crazy stuff happens to my family all the time. Anyway, here goes...

So I was looking forward to this Sunday b/c my parents were going to go on their first vacation in over a year and a half, since my grandfather took sick. Now anyone who knows me knows how overprotective my parents are and that even though they are great, I can't really breathe living in their house. I was looking forward to the alone time - being able to come and go as I please, I was going to makeover my room, just do a whole bunch of fun stuff and be Independent 25yo Jesse (TM). I definitely get to be Independent 25yo Jesse (TM) in Miami - and we all know what an amazing and special time I had there this past weekend! I am going to write more about that in the future, but it's so wonderful to really feel like you can breathe for a change, and I was going to be able to do that this weekend. I was also looking forward to the cruise for them, b/c they have been through a LOT this past year and a half and they really do deserve the vacation! Seriously - they have dealt with one hardship and tragedy after another in the past year or so and it's time someone gives my family a break. I honestly was SO looking forward to them being able to finally take in some sun, to have some drinks with umbrella's stuck in them, to basically do nothing, and to get the chance to just RELAX. I'm sure they could use the chance to breathe themselves after all that has been going on!

Well, yesterday morning, we see on CNN that their ship, The Star Princess (Princess Cruise Lines) has had a horrible fire. That's right - you guessed it -the ship they are supposed to be going on this SUNDAY just burned YESTERDAY, 4 days before their trip!! THEIR SHIP BURNED AT SEA!

Now I mean, THANK GOD they weren't on board - but what are the chances? This is soooo incredibly crazy/freaky. They very well could have been on that very ship on the day it burned, but they decided to go a week later, PHEW! Actually, it is my trip to South Beach for Alexis and Ian's Wedding that made my parents put off their trip by a week. My Mom didn't want to leave on a Sunday when I would be coming home, so she moved their trip to the next week. Well, obviously their trip is cancelled and they won't be going anywhere now. So - no vacation for them, and no breathing for me, lol. But I just can't believe it - I mean talk about a CLOSE CALL!

On one sense, I feel like maybe I am a good luck charm. I mean, theoretically I saved their life by going to South Beach for Alexis and Ian's Wedding. They could have been on the ship AS it burned. Because of being on my trip and my Mom wanting to be here when I got home, she postponed my parents trip for a week. So, maybe I spread around good luck after all! :-) On the other hand - what are the chances of this happening? If you read the article I link to below, you will see that Princess Cruise Lines has NEVER had anything like this happen in the history of their company. My parents much needed vacation is ruined as their ship is scorched, as thus is my peace and quiet that would come along from them being gone. Well, at the end of the day I'd rather have my parents alive and here then toast on a ship. This just some CRAZY stuff...we still can't wrap our minds around it!

Is this the craziest thing ever or what? Just wondering if anyone else out there has any other crazy stories like this. For those wanting to know/see, here is a link to the story....

CNN.com - Cruise Ship Survivors Count Themselves Lucky - Mar 24. 2006

What luck! We could either look at this as being terrible luck for their ship being cancelled/burned or the best luck ever for them being okay. Being in a positive mood, I choose to believe that I'm a good luck charm and this is the BEST LUCK that has ever happened to them! That's a good way to look at it, right? :P~

The Most Amazing Weekend Yet...

So, my Blog Buddies - as most of you know, I attended the wedding of the century this weekend, the wedding of my Uncle Alexis and Papa Ian. I can't even begin to describe what a wonderful weekend I had, what a beautiful wedding I attended, and how amazing I am feeling right now - but I will try as best as I can, of course.

Because of my crazy class schedule this semester and loading up on my classes 2 days a week ALL day, I have a few days off in between classes. While normally I work with my dad on my days off, this weekend had the special exception of me flying to South Beach on Thursday until Sunday for the nuptuals of two of the most wonderful people in the world!

Things started out smashingly, as I left the 34 degree weather of New York proper for the balmy 77 degree Fahrenheit of South Beach, Miami. I could end the story smiling there, but there is FAR more to tell! :-)

So, I arrived in South Beach a little after 3:30, and got to The Palace (aka The Happy Place) a little after 4p.m. Alexis snuck out from behind a pole and gave me a big hug, and then rushed to take my picture. Never one to miss a photo op, of course I posed. Had I not been rushed at by the Paparazzi, I might have had my wits enough about me to ask my Uncle Alexis just what sordid things he was doing behind that pole. Well, one can only imagine, but I left it unasked! ;)

After reuniting with Alexis, literally running into Miguel the bartender, and waving to Ditmar and Boris as they fluttered about in their official busy Palace Duties, Uncle A. whisked me away to the royal apartment of his betrothed, my Papa Ian. There, I was able to finally, face-to-face encounter the man, the legend - Ian Ivy DuBois! :) I have to say that it was so remarkable to see someone face to face who you have corresponded with over the computer for so long, especially when you read their innermost thoughts and share in their most private of experiences in the world of the Blog. Ian was all that I imagined and thensome - so loving, so caring, so true. I will never forget our first meeting and the great big hug he gave me. As we walked out to the balcony and overlooked the gay masses (the phrase 'gay masses' sounds dirty, but I digress), staring across the street to the infinite horizon of the Atlantic Ocean, watching many buff and tuff manly men strutting themselves up and down Ocean Drive (some more flamingly than others, haha), basking in the glow and heat of the Miami sun - it was all so surreal! Soon enough, everyone's favorite cruise line employee, Black & Tan Mark showed up at the apartment as he heard of my arrival. My Uncle Alexis leaves no stone unturned - apparently he put out a bulletin for all of South Beach that I was arriving, and they all welcomed me, as usual with open arms and more hospitality then I have ever seen. Speaking of leaving no stone unturned - as Alexis and Ian were the kindest people EVER for inviting me to stay with them in the apartment above the Palace, they really rolled out the welcome mat! Uncle Alexis actually went out and bought sheets that matched the color and style of the fold-out couch for my stay and brought me coffee every morning along with Ian's. The man is a living breathing Martha Stewart, although far better at financial book keeping! ;) Well - I know where I get my impeccable taste from! Mrs. Astor and Ian are the BEST hosts ever! I can not even begin! *sigh*

So, after my arrival, we did as the natives do and went downstairs to partake in some Palace debauchery. Actually, Thursday night was a quiet night. Uncle Alexis, Ian, B&T Mark, and myself ate a lovely dinner at the Palace. It was quiet for a Thursday night, but I loved this. It was so nice to sit down with such kind people you care about - two you haven't seen in months, and one you have just met in person for the first time - and to just talk and eat and enjoy each other's presence. Okay, okay... we couldn't keep *totally* mature, as everyone's favorite waiter Marcello brought over an entire bottle of Tequila for me to hold and be photographed with to remind us all of the dangers that can occur when left to your own wicked devices too much in South Beach, haha. I even remember some innappropriate gestures about what the little battery powered lights on the table looked like (hint - you could stick it in a bodily orifice for his or her pleasure, lol). I was with my South Beach family at last! :-) Actually - we all missed Cousin Brian, but we were comforted knowing he would be arriving the next night. Quiet dinners really are the best, and fortunately for all of us, we would be having one again the next night.

After dinner, I'm pretty sure I remember us saying goodnight to Mark and the rest of us returning to the apartment for some wild, crazy, unadulterated... sleep! :-) We were all exhausted - no doubt with all the work he had to do before leaving for their Disneyworld Honeymoon Uncle A. was tired, Ian was excited for the upcoming wedding, and after being up all day on Wednesday for school, getting almost no sleep, waking up early to pack and travelling most of the day - I was more then ready for sleep. We called it a night and the lights dimmed over my first night back in Miami, snug as a bug.

Alright kiddies - I have to jet to my next class, but I'm glad my "LAW 202: Law and Evidence" teacher decided to not show up today, so that I would be able to have some time in the computer lab to type up this blog. I will be back soon to type up the rest of this amazing trip though, I promise!

NEXT TIME on Jesse's Reality Show...(and not in the correct order)
-Jesse Reunites with the 7th!
-Jesse goes looking for a danceclub and instead finds the 17th street Causeway!
-Jesse and Ian go shopping!
-Jesse Americanizes Ian and takes him to his first ever Starbuck's!
-You will not BELIEVE the Bishop's in South Beach!
-Jesse goes to the Beach!
-Jesse's wedding night dress shirt is ruined, as it looks like it got cum on it! (But it did NOT!)
-Jesse falls in LOVE with a woman named Countess Bedelia!
-Ben buys Jesse his first ever "Yager Bomb"!
-St. Patrick's Day Debauchery!
-Jesse returns to Twist (and does NOT have Tequila and does NOT get thrown out! :-)
-THE WEDDING OF THE CENTURY!!! :-)

Don't turn that dial and stay tuned y'all, more to come! :-)