A Hard Decision

Dearest Everyone,

First and foremost I appologize for not writing on my blog much lately. The past few weeks and months have been some of the hardest of times in my life. It's been a hard few years, true - but these past few weeks especially have been filled with having to a make a decision that I knew would not be an easy or pleasureable one. I have decided to return back to school at CUNY John Jay College of Criminal Justice in New York City. Starting next week I will be commuting 2 hours each way to Manhattan to take classes at a school I don't love. (I'd say hate, but I'm trying to be somewhat positive and appreciative). I'll be majoring in Legal Studies when my true dreams are to become a real estate agent/investor, an interior designer/architect, or to work in the gay community/nightclub/bar/restaurant scene. My dreams are to move out of my parents house into my own apartment (where I will be free to come and go as I please, maybe actually *SHOCK* meet guy, have sex someday before I'm 40, etc) - but instead I'll be doing the opposite. I'll be living at home to save money so that I can go to school. To go to school and do good in school I'll not be getting some great job somewhere, and instead will be working with my father. Not for much money, mind you - but to help him out so that he doesn't have to do it alone. So - although my dream is to be a fabulous homo living in South Beach, having some great job and my own apartment, hanging out with my amazing friends there and living the life I feel that is most genuine to myself - I'm not doing that at all, not right now. Instead I'll be living with my parents, no love life, going to a school that absolutely makes me feel sick to my stomach - and dealing with all the trappings that come along with it.

I know it sounds crazy for me to be doing this, but really it is the only choice I can live with. I know myself, and I know my mind. I know that if I don't get my Bachelor Degree that it will eat away at my soul and slowly kill me every single day of my life. I can't be going through this inner torture when I am in my 30's, or my 40's, or my 50's, etc. - so on and so forth. I don't want to move away hundreds or thousands of miles from home and have to run up against that wall that I don't have my Bachelor Degree someday. I don't want to possibly be in a great job and not be up for a promotion b/c I don't have this degree. I fully plan on being my own boss someday - bu there is always the chance that I'll need to do some mind numbing "professional office job" before I can get to that point. I might need this degree to get me in the door. More than anything though - I don't care if I don't even ever use this degree - but it's necessary for social status, and for my confidence, for my self worth. You can't put a price on that. Here is the deal - I busted my ass off getting my Associate Degree in Computer Systems Management. I thought people would care, but they don't. I recently had some snot nosed fag say he wouldn't consider me for a managerial position at a Hollister b/c I didn't have my Bachelor Degree. SCREW THAT! As if I would waste my life away folding tshirts, dealing with teenagers, and asking customer's if they have tried on our great jeans that have a "great fit" - whatever! It just HURT so bad that some snot nosed fag looked down on my for not having this degree. I kind of cried a little inside. The reason for me getting this degree isn't b/c I love criminal justice, or b/c I love New York, or b/c I love the school. It's so NOT having the degree doesn't hang over me like a Scarlett Letter each and every day of my life. I need self worth, and I can't handle the judgments that come from people for not having the degree. If I was a stronger person, maybe I could - but I'm not right now, and I can't handle it. I need self confidence. If I have to be absolutely miserable for a year/year and a half to get the degree so that I can a sense of self confidence in my education and in myself for the rest of my life - then so be it. In the grand scheme of things what is a year and a half or two? Looking forward, it seems like a LOT, but looking back it seems like a blip on the radar.

The hardest thing right now is that I don't know if I'm "doing the right thing". I thought when you do the right thing, you feel a sense of calm or peace inside; you have the knowledge that what you are about to do is correct in the grand scheme of things. While that is my hope, I don't feel that way at all. I'm absolutely heart broken over this decision. My heart literally feels like it is dropping every second of the day. I would like nothing better than to be self sufficient and strong, hanging out at the Palace in South Beach with my Uncle Alexis, my soon to arrive Daddy Ian, Cousin Brian, and the rest of the 7th. But, I just have to refocus and realize that I can still visit (and I'm doing so in March!!! :), and that I can always move there after school. I just have to realize that I am sacrificing today for the betterment of my tommorow. Is betterment a word? Anyway, I just hope I am "doing the right thing". It feels like I'm doing this partly for my family, but it's also partly for myself. It's just going to be painful and like a bitch to get through. I wish I could turn back time and finish school at a 4 year college at a liberal arts gay fag school with a grassy mall, but I had that chance and I blew it. I don't want to always regret that though.

Will there come a day when I'm not doing something I don't love? When I wake up in the morning excited about the day? When every fiber of my being is fulfilled? I hope so. I hope this path will take me there. I'm SO nervous about returning to school next week - about getting up at 4:30, to leave my house by 5:50 to make my 6:30 train, to make my 8AM class. To go to classes till 8 P.M. with one break. To be totally out of place there, and to commit myself to it. I'm giving up my dreams for the meantime to be there, so I *HAVE TO* find a way to be into this. I have to somehow pump myself up and be excited for going into the Lion's Den. I hope it's the right thing. I toiled and toiled and toiled with this decision. It's the one I knew I would be least happy about - but it's something to get over with today so that I can be freed up for my future. If I can make it through this difficult time I can do anything in the future, right? Then I can get a great job after college and go where I want and live the life of my choosing, right? I don't know - I just hope from this decision eventually comes the freedom and confidence I so desperately seek.

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I want to take this quick moment to thank all you bloggers. Somehow, I got blessed. Those that read my blog tend to be the most kind, most supportive, most amazing people I have ever had the good fortune of conversing with. You all are my cheerleaders! I know I haven't been on my blog lately, and I haven't commented when I wanted to, but believe me I receive each and every one of your comments/your advice/and your support - and it means everything to me. I'll try to write more, I'll keep everyone updated on school, on my plans to visit FL, and on any other developments in my life. But thank you, thank you, THANK YOU so much for your support. While everyone else is so judgmental - you all root me on and make a good future seem possible. Thank you for being the angels standing in my corner!! :)

Love Always,
Jesse :-)

I *NEED* To Write...

Jesse in Rockefeller Center, NYC

Picture Taken December, 2005

Yes, yes. I know, I know - I have not written in a dog's age. Well, here is a little secret about Jesse - When things are good or generally shitty I can write/blog. When things are really shitty/rock bottom I don't write at all. I hibernate, retreat into the cave of my bedroom, follow the "Howard Hughes Guide To Quarantining Yourself", etc. Things in my life, of late, have generally sucked. As down and out as I have felt and continue to feel, I feel the urge to WRITE right now. Just to purge a little bit. A lot has been kept inside for a long time, and although I don't want my Blog to be "The Depression Chronicles", I just have to get some stuff out of my system and purge a little. If any good will come out of it - I don't know. But I just *NEED* to write right now. I have tried to keep positive, repeat uplifting affirmations to myself, read self help books, and whatnot - but nothing seems to be working. I'm at a crossroads in my life, and I honestly, genuinely, 100% want to make things better. I'd like my life to almost be a complete 180 degree turn from where I am now, but I just don't know how, and I don't know what road to take.

Do I go back to school in the city, even if it's for a school/major I don't want - just to get the degree? I've transfered so many times and I'm so far behind - I just wish that part of my life was behind me. But it's not. It hangs over me like a gigantic Scarlett Letter saying...

"haha - while so many other guys your age are living in loft apartments and getting fucked and generally living their lives, you are living at home with Mommy and Daddy and nowhere near having the independent gay life you deserve. You're a fuckup, Jesse. All your "intelligence" and "smarts" that you had growing up - all the good grades, all the academic awards - they don't mean shit now. The world does not care if you have 500 credits. Because of your stupidity you still don't have a degree. Thus you won't get a good job, be able to move up in the ranks, and you are generally one dump Fuck. Way to go Fucky McFuck!"

...needless to say, I totally hate that feeling, and living under it's bane every day is not easy.

Do I just try to get a job? Any old job? How would that work out? I'm not even at the functioning level right now. My bedroom is a Level 20 disaster zone. I'm lucky if I can make it out of my bed most days. And when I do I'm up until 4 in the morning doing absolutely nothing, wasting my life away, putting my energy and focus towards things and people that could care less about me. I'm surrounded by toxicity. But I still always hold on to a glimmer of hope, a spec of my dreams - as far away as it seems, as insurmountable as it feels - there is always that little itty bity teensy spot of hope within me that, yes - your dreams can come true.

I don't want my dreams to come true in 5 years, 10 years, or 40 years. I want things to turn in my direction today. Is that selfish of me? Probably. I can't help it though. I know enough that "it's the journey, NOT the destination." BUT I HAVE NEVER ENJOYED THE JOURNEY! I'm ready to start enjoying the journey. I really, really, REALLY want that more than anything else. I want my own cute apartment, to have a queen size bed, some cute Emerilware cookware, scented candles burning, the ability to come and go as I please, to meet guys when and wherever I choose, and to live my own life. I want a career/a skill/a passion I can not only work in but thrive in. Let's face it - your profession is everything. I need something that feeds me - mind, body, soul, and of course bank account. Yet I do NOT and could never be some "think inside the box corporate wage slave drone" who works in a cubicle. I've spent so much of my life in familial bondage that I need to break those chains. I just want happiness and freedom - really when it all comes down to it that's all I want. But I want safety and protection too. I feel in freedom, TRUE freedom - there is safety and protection. My family can be extremely protective, but they can also stop me too. I don't know what the hell I am saying. Just that there has to be more to this life and I'll be damned if I don't want to find it as soon as possible.

Do I go back to school and make those sacrifices today for (supposedly) whatever benefits it might bring tommorow? Even though I won't be happy. I want the sprawling green campus and dorm life and afterschool activities and something to believe in - but John Jay will not give me that. It will give me the opportunity to be outside of the house 2 days a week, which is more than I have now. But I want more than that even. Do I move to NYC and try to find some career? But how could I even afford it? I have some money saved up but there is no way I could afford to live there. Not unless I get some random roommate or live far out in the boroughs (neither of which I want or could survive well with). Do I move to Miami, even though it's far away and I'd have to drive everywhere and far from my family. Do I finish school now and go to design school later? Or is it too late to go after that passion of mine? I want to create a LIFE PLAN here. My BIG birthday is in a month, and that scares the everliving hell out of me. I had no idea I'd be this far behind at this point in my life. There is so much living I'm not doing, I haven't yet done, and that scares me. Where do I go from here? I don't want to be happy today to sacrifice my happiness in the future,; I don't want to be that nearsighted. Yet I don't want to be so farsighted that there is no happiness today either. I believe in the Zen, the Yin and Yang, Buddhism, and a holistic approach to life. So why am I not living out these principles in even the slightest degree? Why is even putting one foot in front of the other, getting out of bed so difficult? I don't know. I need a support system, a group, something to believe in, something to hold on to, some security, something to help me chase my dreams. God, I just don't know.

Okay, I really can't write anymore but I just feel so - Lost.