Where I Have Been: South Beach...

L-to-R: Jeremy, Me, Michael, and Brian

Picture taken @ The Palace. Tuesday, September 20, 2005.

L-to-R: Andy, William, and Me (Matt in the background :-))

Picture taken @ The Palace. Tuesday, September 20, 2005.

L-to-R: My South Beach Family: Cousin Brian, Uncle Alexis, and Me

Picture taken @ The Palace. Saturday, September 17, 2005.

L-to-R: Cousin Brian and Matt

Picture taken @ The Palace. Tuesday, September 20, 2005.

Miss Sasha, Doing What She Can To Help Out...

Picture taken @ The Palace. Saturday, September 17, 2005.

L-to-R: Uncle Alexis, Beyonce (lol), and Michael

Picture taken @ Casa de Senora Astor. Sunday, September 18, 2005.

Me

Picture taken @ 12th Street-ish Section on South Beach. Saturday, September 17, 2005.

Moon Over Miami, With Kickass Lighting Effect

Picture taken @ The Palace, Overlooking the Ocean. Saturday, September 17, 2005.

Palm Trees in the Early Morning Light

Picture taken on South Beach. Wednesday, September 21, 2005.

Me, Wet

Picture taken @ Casa de Senora Astor. Sunday, September 18, 2005.

Hmmmh?

Picture taken @ The Palace. Tuesday, September 20, 2005.

So, by now it is evident by the above mentioned title and pictures that I took a surprise trip to South Beach and had the time of my life. From Friday, September 16 to Wednesday, September 21 I had a Sobe adventure (and then some!).

Oh crud, I have to run out now, but I'll publish this for now...I'll write more later! :)

...Okay, and I'm back.

So back to the shocking story. My Massachussetts/South Beach "Cousin" Brian was planning a stealth surprise visit to South Beach last Friday in order to give poor Uncle Alexis and Ditmar (where does he fit into our family tree?) a shock. Never one for spontaneity, Brian had to do some coaxing, but in the end I agreed to join him on his venture. I decided that if he was going to give our dear Uncle Alexis a heart attack, I might as well ensure that it happen two-fold. I had been planning to visit South Beach for a while to look for apartments and whatnot, to see if I would fit in there, to possibly plan my life there, etc. - so this was just the kind of arm twisting that I guess I needed to get myself down there. Brian arrived earlier in the day and apparently gave Uncle Alexis a shock, while casually sitting at Ditmar's bar awaiting him. I wish I could have seen the look on dear Uncle A.'s face at that point! I arrived later in the day, and around 7pm Brian, B&T Mark, and myself headed over to The Palace. Brian told The Mrs. Astor that he had a friend he wanted to introduce, and low and behold, I appeared. WELL - I was NOT expecting the reaction I got! Poor Uncle Alexis almost fell over backwards and knocked a drink out of some unsuspecting female customer's hand. For the remainder of the evening he kept referring to me as a Bitch. "You Bitch!". Apparently it runs in the family, for my "other parent" Ian is often referred to as a bitch too. We have that in common! ;) In any event, Brian's "Muahahahahaha" scheming worked and we gave Uncle Alexis one hell of a shock. It was the most spontaneous thing I have ever done, but it was great! :)

I don't know how to go on - I could recount the rest of my trip and bore everyone with every little minute detail, but that would be the neverending blog. But I'll write a long ass one with lots of details and can fill in more/answer everyone's questions later :) On Friday night I was wearing a cute pink shirt that I got from H&M (as viewable in a picture on a recent entry from The Mrs Astor.), when somehow, someway I got these huge nasty black stains on the shoulder while talking to Alexis, Brian, and Mark in the inside bar. To the rescue came the sexiest straight man I have ever seen, Boris, with some Bulgarian concoction that he wet my shirt with. (That boy could make you wet in other places, let me tell you! :) In any event, his wonder concoction worked, and I was stain free. Straight men who clean you - *sigh* I knew I was in heaven! I then sat down and dined with Brian, Alexis, and Mark. The wine kept flowing, so I am not even sure what I had for dinner that night, although it was most likely fabulous! After dinner, we all headed over to Twist. Uncle Alexis kept trying to buy me gay-for-pay strippers, but I am too virginal and of course too Jewish for that, haha! Mark, Alexis and whoever else kept putting drinks in front of me, and unfortunately I was NOT too Jewish for that - I kept imbibing all night long. I took my first ever official "Tequila shot" and did whatever it is you are supposed to do with salt, tequila, and a lime. I called up/ran into some South Beach friends of mine from my last visit, Greg and Keegan, but I really don't remember seeing them. At some point Alexis had to go home, Mark had to leave, and I don't remember ever parting with Brian, but it obviously happened. Apparently, at some point in the night Greg and Keegan saw me being escorted out of Twist by some bouncers, and came to my rescue and brought me back to my hotel room. Now I don't drink often, but I have definitely been buzzed or slightly drunk before. Unfortunately, this night was the ONLY time in my life that I have ever gotten so drunk that I forgot periods of time and actually got SICK later on by myself in my hotel room. It was scary, horrible, and I was ashamed. I went to sleep crying and vowing I would go home as soon as possible. I was *SO* embaressed that it got to this point. 24 years of self restraint went out the window in one evening. People should *NEVER* keep the liquor flowing in front of you for too long, that is my suggestion! In any event, the next morning I ended up speaking to Alexis in a panic of how ashamed of myself I was, and he told me to get over it and head to The Palace. Luckily I was able to temporarily overcome my shame, and took his advice.

At The Palace on Saturday I was introduced to The 7th Gay Cavalry aka the best damned group of guys you will ever meet. Army Jeremy and I had our matching bright yellow shirts, Michael and I discussed and figured out our mutual love of MINI's (he has one!), Matt was looking fierce in his WICKED shirt (who I would later find out had 6 degrees of seperation to my lesbian sister Meri!), and although Andy was busy watching the UM football game and William kept blowing cigarette smoke in my face, they both managed to steal my heart. I would later meet Brian "Delray", who was a fellow Northeasterner, although he had made the move down South about a month ago from CT. These guys were the most FRIENDLY most SPECIAL group of guys you could ever meet - and I knew it instantaneously from the moment I met them. When Miss Tiffany did her Whitney Houston "I Wanna Dance With Somebody" at sunset, with the alcohol flowing (although I was on a strict water diet at this point), being in the company of such amazing people - it was almost too much to take. I definitely felt some tears of happiness welling up inside me. Okay, so I may be super gay - but for the first time in a LONG time I felt like I could just be myself, be around people who liked me for me - and it was just fabulous. The whole weekend long I kept feeling these immense feelings of gratitute and happiness. As I had dinner that night with Andy and William I thought (Dinner? With Gay Friends? I don't have anything like that back home!). As I went to Twist that night with William, Andy, Stephen, Vijay, and Miguel I thought (A Danceclub? With Friends? Going to a Diner After? With Gay Friends? I don't have that back home!). This feeling of shock, awe, and extreme thankfullness followed me throughout my entire trip. I truly felt like I had just won the "being surrounded by amazing people lottery".

Crud, it's dinnertime. I'll write more later, promise! :)

Okay, back again (World's Longest Blog, sorry...)

I don't want to write everything that went on, b/c really - that would take forever. But the long and short of it is that Sunday was a kickass pool party thrown by none other than The Mrs. Astor herself. I'm not sure if her pool could fit 400 gays into it, but it certainly seemed like that amount of people tried to get in. The party was mostly attended by the 7th Gay Cavalry. It was all fun and games, innocence with a little alcohol and "throw someone in the pool" involved, until the Puerto Rican Strippers from Ft. Lauderdale arrived and changed the mood. The pool went from "Fun place to play around" to "orgy" in about 60 seconds after they arrived. Go figure. The good boys then left (yours truly included), and I have no idea what the bad boys left behind did, but one can guess! I have a picture of The Mrs. Astor doing a pole dance, but I will keep that for ransom :) I am waiting for my "Beyonce Dance" to make it's way to the web - I'm sure it's being passed along to others as we speak, haha. I pretended like I didn't like it, but I also really liked when William picked me up and threw me in the pool - that was totally sweet :) The Lesson I learned from Uncle Alexis' most extrordinary pool party - invite the 7th, but leave the strippers at home (cute as they may have been!) :-)

That night the fun continued, as Andy invited me over to William's place, along with Michael for a kickass time of watching the Emmy Awards, as hosted by Ellen Degeneres. It was a much more low key time then hanging out at The Palace or Twist or whatnot, but it was just what I needed. I haven't had a group of gay male friends to just hang out with and be myself with since I started school at University of Maryland, College Park - but that sadly ended after 2 semesters. So, it's been about 5 or 6 years since I have had even anything remotley resembling what I had a week ago from today. It felt like the first time I was alive in half a decade. It was so refreshing, so foreign to anything I have experienced. I really have hit the "shitty people lottery" in my life the past few years, except for my family. But I can't exactly be "Mr. Happy Gay Boy" in Northern Westchester, around my parents and whatnot. It just felt SO nice to be among kickass people. I mean - these people are the best, I can't get over it! Andy was so great to me that night, I can never thank him enough for how caring and sweet he was to me. These guys are priceless.

The next day (Monday), I turned on the TV set and heard something that totally caught me off guard - there was a hurricane heading straight for South Florida! The Keys were going to be fucked, and so likely could be Miami-Dade County, precisely where I was staying. A Northerner who had never experienced a South Florida Hurricane before, I was totally nervous as all hell. So, what is a nervous boy to do but to head over to The Palace and see his Cousin Brian and Uncle Alexis? Alexis kept trying to calm me down and told me that everything would be okay. When it started to get windy and Alexis was served with a piece of paper from the Miami Beach Police that all businesses with sidewalk cafe's or whatnot had to have all tables, chairs, potted plants, etc removed b/c of the storm - I got quite nervous. But I did what any nice Jewish boy would do and I gladly helped move the chairs and tables inside alongside the awesome staff of The Palace. It was really fun helping out, I quite enjoyed it! :) Around this time, I got a phone call from William who told me that a few members of the 7th Gay Cavalry were going to Andy's apartment in a highrise on the mainland to weather the storm together. He told me to pack an overnight bag and be ready by 3pm to be picked up. I wanted to cry with happiness right then and there. These guys who I had only known for a few days were totally willing to take me in (a stranger) and to take care of me during what was a frightening and confusing time for me. Should I get on the next plane? Is there still time? What do I do? All these thoughts were racing through my head - but these guys totally took me under their wing. When I say they are the best I totally mean it! I must have looked the color of green when William picked me up to bring me over to Andy's. I was so nervous, it was insane. BUT - he put on his "Chicago" soundtrack CD and started singing to me. I joined along, of course. I can't thank him enough for this - this totally diffused me and made me calm at one of the more nervous moments I have had of late. I could have gone into a panic attack, but that definitely couldn't happen while William was singing "Razzle Dazzle" to me. *SIGH*.

At Andy's apartment was where the 7th Gay Cavalry convened for Hurricane Rita. I had to constantly deflect phone calls from my mom, then my dad, then my older sister Meri, then my younger sister Dana, and so on and so forth. Everyone was nervous for me. As if my own nerves weren't enough, I had the whole family making me more nervous. BUT - the 7th really came to my rescue. We watched a bootleg of "Wicked" that Matt so graciously gave to Andy the day before. I got to meet Brian Delray, who came all the way from the safety of Delray to join us in the Hurricane Zone of Miami. We watched Golden Girls. We played Trivial Pursuit in teams, where Andy and I proceeded to kick some Trivial Pursuit ass. If it wasn't for my knowing "Super Monkey Ball" as an answer, who knows that direction the game could have gone in! :-) We watched episodes of Sex and the City and Golden Girls. Cuddling was had at night :-) William cooked pancakes in the morning. We watched the gayest movie ever "Boat Trip" and part of another semi-gay movie "The Rules of Attraction." It was like making up for all the bonding I had lost in the past 5 years all in two days. It was one of the most amazing experiences of my life. What could have been me holed up in my hotel room being totally scared and nervous from the storm turned out to be the most profound bonding I had done with other gay men in my entire life. It really is one of the most special experiences in my life and I will NEVER ever forget it! These guys totally took me into their lives, into their homes, and embraced me. I get teary eyed just typing it, just thinking about it now. God, I miss everyone so much!

On Tuesday, after the storm seemed to have died down, we went to the only place crazy enough to be open during the remnants of Rita - Where else? The Palace! Another fun day of bonding was had, and this time I drank some wine. I was *MUCH* more careful this time around than I was on Friday night, and I'll never drink that much again. That being said, it was nice to be a little tipsy and know that you were safe amongst friends. Besides some straight tourists looking to get drunk, an overly aggressive German for William, and an overly aggressive Daddy for me, the 7th Gay Cavalry made up most of the Hurricane population of The Palace. It was another incredibly special day in my life. The sadest part came when the goodbyes came. When I said goodbye to Jeremy and Brian, who left together - I knew it was for the last time for this trip. When I said goodbye to Matt, who had to walk home in the rain, I knew it was for the last time for this trip. When said goodbye to Andy and William, I felt like my heart had been ripped out of my chest, and I knew it was for the last time for this trip. I felt so Melancholy, you would not believe. (still do).

Brian tried to convince me that going to Twist would be a good way to spend the last evening, but I knew I really wasn't up for it. Nonetheless, Cousin Brian, Miguel, and a nice guy from Australia with a British accent named Trent, and Myself headed over to Twist in the rain. We made a pit stop at some South Beach store to look at clothes, but who can really afford that stuff? Anyways - at Twist Brian and Miguel got together and tipped a big buff stripper man to reach around from behind and grab my private region. I was taken by surprise and jumped and shrieked like a little schoolgirl. I'm so vanilla. It was actually the first time Trent had seen strippers before, so it was eye opening for him. We took shot's at Scott the bartender's bar. But then we were all Twisted-out very early on. At about 11pm we headed to the 11th Street Diner and had good eats. We all kind of teased Trent about his accent, but we really loved it. He called me a "dirty little bitch" in a British accent - it was fabulous! :) I love their expressions! In any event, we ate up and then I went to bed.

The next morning was another sad and melancholy time. I got up early and headed to the beach where I took some pictures of the beach, the sunrise, and the natural landscape around. I have some amazing sunrise pictures over the Atlantic ocean, if anyone was interested. After taking some photos, I grabbed some of the free flyers from those stands on the street on Southern Florida real estate, and a gay magazine called "Gay Express" or something. I headed to my hotel and showered for my "Goodbye Breakfast" with Cousin Brian and Uncle Alexis. It was so great being able to have a nice quiet meal with my South Beach Gay Family. (SBGF). Brian and I were leaving at around the same time, so Uncle Alexis bid us both adieu. I loved how Uncle Alexis said over breakfast that many a female lesbian cop frequents the diner in groups, lol :) Who knew! :) In any event, we had a very nice breakfast, and I felt so happy and blessed to be able to share my goodbye meal with such special people.

After breakfast, I got my stuff together in my hotel room. It was honestly very hard to leave. I kept looking under the bed and trying to find something I left behind, but really I just didn't want to go. It was never so hard to leave a room in my life. Eventually I did, did the checkout thing, did the take the cab to the airport thing, and the get on the plane thing. I did the take the Westchester Express home thing, and I have been home ever since, yet South Beach has not been out of my mind. It was one of the most amazing times in my life, and I will not soon forget it.

I have only been home a few days, but I miss them all terribly. Other times when I have gone to South Beach I have gone to Lincoln Road, had a day at the Beach, etc. I had nothing of the sort this time. Literally I just hung out with amazing people the whole time. And I would not change that for the WORLD. Life to me is more about the people in it, then what you are specifically doing it. I would rather stay in one place with the 7th Gay Cavalry then be a tourist. I was supposed to look for apartments and a job and whatnot, but Hurricane Rita screwed that up. I will have to take another trip back, there are worse things to be had! ;) Honestly, I'm a little scared though. For the first time in my life - guys just accepted me wholeheartedly with open minds and hearts into their lives. They didn't want anything from me - just to be my friend. I know Miami/South Beach is a very touristy and transient place - that people come and go into their lives all the time. I hope I wasn't "just another tourist" or whatnot. I haven't really heard from many of the guys since coming home, but I know they are busy and it's only been a few days. Maybe they aren't phone or internet people - they actually LIVE their lives. Still, I wonder if they are thinking about me as much as I am thinking about them. When I was there, I didn't use the computer at all, and certainly didn't phone any "internet guys". I was just happy, for once in my life, to be right where I was, and to be with who I was with. I worry that they thought I was just another guy and just being nice to me b/c I was a small fish in a big pond or whatnot, but who knows. All I know is that I love each and every one of the guys I met there with every fiber of my being, and that I would do anything for them. I miss them so incredibly much, and that is how I will end this blog. I know I wasn't able to fit everything in, but if I have to leave a closing thought - it's that I am SO greatful to everyone I spent my time with there. Uncle Alexis, Cousin Brian, The 7th Gay Cavalry, Everyone Else...thank you, thank you, thank you.

For the first time in years I am singing in the shower. I am dancing around my room in my underwear Ally McBeal-style. My heart just wants to explode. GOD - could I have fallen in Love on this trip? I don't know. I just know that I miss everyone so much and I feel like I'm the luckiest person alive for having had this opportunity. For once in my life I got to spend time with amazing gay guys who wanted to spend time with me. Nothing can ever compare to that.

The-End.

Unready to Move On. So I'm Ready to Move On...

Me in My Bedroom, With Exceptionally Nice Hair

Picture taken Saturday, 9.03.2005

So, I was speaking with someone who knows me fairly well this past weekend, and his advice for me was to just go. Where exactly I'll be going, and just how I'm gonna make it afterall (Thanks, Mary Tyler Moore!) - I do not know. Let's face it - I'm totally not ready educationally, independently, socially, emotionally, and the biggie - financially. But yet, things are getting worse and worse at home, and the time where I feel I am being forced out is fast approaching. Every day I feel like I'm walking on uneven ground, on eggshells, and I need to get out soon. Of course my parents would never throw me out (and my dad never wants me to leave), but home has become sort of a battlefield between my parents during the last year with my mother's father being ill and all the familial turmoil that brings about. It's getting to the point where I really can't handle it anymore.

My Poppy is dying a slow, torturous, and painful death related to Septic Shock trauma from a botched colon surgery. My Granny is suffering from SEVERE depression as a result, my mother is suffering from SEVERE depression in regards to what is going on with her parents, my father and my mother's marriage is being torn apart b/c of what is going on with my Poppy's illness and the toll it is taking on everyone, My mother and her brothers and their spouses (aka my aunts and uncles) who all used to be best friends with each other (we are the closest family EVER) are now at a sort of war with one another, and I don't even get to see my Farmor and Farfar (Father's mother and father) anymore because of all this. Living under the same roof with my parents is too much to take during this difficult time. I have done it for 24 years, but I need to get out - for a week, for a month, forever - I don't know. But I need some respite from this eternal suffering. My Poppy's doctor told my family that events like this either bring families closer together then ever before or it tears them apart. In our case, unfortunately, it seems like it is the latter and not the former. Maybe someday it will bring everyone back together, but I don't see that happening anytime soon. Through this all going on, my life has kind of stopped. I have tried to be there to help my dad with his business, to help be the "referee" in my parent's marriage (not a good position to be in at a time like this!), to be there for my Poppy and Granny even though I don't know how good of a job of that I have done - it's all a lot. Not that I should be complaining - they all have it infinitely harder than I have had it through this whole ordeal - but it has taken it's toll nonetheless. Wow, I totally did not mean to go off on a tirade as to what has been going on with my Poppy and my family, but it just kind of poured out. Sorry about that.

I can't help writing about what's going on with my Poppy - it just is affecting so much. I want to move 1,000 miles away to Florida - or at least check it out, but what do I do when a family member is so ill? Do I move to NY instead? But all my family is in NY and I could ALWAYS try that at some other point - I feel like I really want to try FL now. I just don't want to leave and have my grandfather pass away, and have to deal with that guilt for the rest of my life. I don't want to leave and have to take some job where I could never come visit my family and never see my other grandparents and then one day find out they passed away. Family and death are heavily on my mind. The thing that sucks the most is that we can never "have it all". Not unless you win the lotto, have a total clean bill of health, have a personal security guard at all times, and look and feel fabulous. But that ain't happening in this lifetime - at least not for me. Well, stranger things have happened - but it's not my reality today by any stretch of the imagination at least, lol. It's so sad though, that so much of it comes down to the almighty dollar. Now, I do *NOT* want to become some conspicuous consumptionist who thinks that the material world is more important than the spiritual (it's not). But let's face it - money buys independence, and independence is what is sorely missing in my life. I equate independence as the ability to come and go as I please, to be able to do the things I want to do in this life without taking serious penalties for feeling guilt for doing so, the raw ability to do things. Okay, okay, okay - I know that is living in a dream world. I have more than a lot of people out there and I should be thankful. I have a roof over my head and meals and a family that loves me more than anything in the world. And yet I feel guilty and selfish because I want more. I want to go out in the world and make my own dreams come true. I want to be able to afford my own apartment, to have a space of my own, a home of my own. I want to have a place of my own in a place I love so that I can find true and meaningful gay friendships, to find a lover or a boyfriend or a husband someday so that I can start a family of my own, get married, maybe even adopt a child together - who knows, but I can't do that from where I am currently. I know change begins from within but a part of me really is being called to farther off places. I want to be able to be on my own so that I could create wealth of my own, so that I could provide for my sisters someday, so that I can take care of my children, so that I would be able to come back and see my family whenever I damn wanted to, and so that someday (the materialist within), I can afford my dream car - a MINI COOPER S CONVERTIBLE. Could I start out a job/career/business here? Probably - but the part of me that yearns for an independent gay life, where I make amazing friends, learn to be myself and live on my own, and find the love of my life - well it just won't happen here, not now, not with my family this way and me the way I am. Maybe if I were more of a "spitfire" and a raving bi-atch like my younger sister I would be able to overcome my family's smothering qualities (although loving), but I just don't have the gusto to kick, scream, and yell about every little thing. Instead, I am just quiet and retire to my room where I dream about the outside world. But I want the outside world. Do I deserve it? I don't know. But I want it. A life of my own - that's not such a bad thing to want afterall, is it?

So, I know I'm totally not ready in the ways that I have stated above. I'm a moron for not going back to school. I'm a schmuck for not having health insurance, and that is another thing that scares me about moving off on my own. I'll be a dumb poor loser without health insurance, but hopefully I will find my way. I can't forget that I have a lot going for me too - I'm smart, I'm thoughtful, I'm compassionate, I'm kind, I wouldn't hurt a fly, I want to make the world a better place, I want to help, I want to experience new things, and in time hopefully I will blossom and "come into my own". So, I'll be starting at the absolute bottom. (What's a bottom to do? ;). But it will be okay, I think. I just know it's time. I have literally everything in the world stacked against me, and it's a very sad time in my life and in my family's life - but I need to look toward the light. I have to remember that there is a light - even if I can't currently see it. The future is mine to be had, so I need to start having it. I can't find it from this bedroom. But I have some things my Poppy currently doesn't have - the use of my arms, the use of my legs, my youth, my health, the ability to have normal thought processes, and the ability to be a fully functioning member of society. I am heartbroken that he doesn't have these things and may never again. But in his honor, I have to go on and create a successful and happy life for myself, while always keeping my family near and dear to me and seeing them as often as possible (while still living my life) - that is what he would have wanted for me (I think) and that is what I must create for myself. A life.

Defeated

Have you ever felt totally defeated? Like you are "Life's doormat"? Well, I do :(

Should I Be Insitutionalized?

HEY - quit what you are thinking...NO, not like that! (Although we can debate that another time certainly, I'm sure, hehe).

When I am asking if I should be institutionalized, I am asking if I should be part of "the system". You know, our society just loves institutions. The institution of higher education, the institution of a good corporate job with health insurance benefits and a 401k plan, etc. You know - a card carrying, fully functioning member of society. And if you somehow find yourself lost and a little askew and outside of these institutions, however momentarily, society has the perfect place for you in the incarcertation institution or the institution of hospitalization. Basically, if you are outside the institution without the means to be so, society has no place for you. Wow, I'm getting WAY too "Aldous Huxley" and "Brave New World" right now, but it is afterall my favorite book of all time. Ironically enough, I feel like I have positioned myself into the literary role of John the Savage, and I'm not exactly sure how I got here or how I am going to get out.

I missed the school semester, and I'm feeling pretty bummed about it. It definitely wasn't "the" school for me, and I'm definitely not in a place in my mind or in my life right now where I could handle getting through a school semester - but not being on that 6:30am train to the city at the first day of classes this past week kind of hurt. Okay, it definitely hurts. Not because I necessarily wanted to be there but because I wanted to be somewhere. I'm a very smart person, but I also feel very incompetant at my age to not be done with my education. Growing up, being an honors student all throughout school, getting educational awards and whatnot, I was always supposed to "go places". Instead, depression sunk in from time to time, some bad situations crept in there, roadblocks occured which I didn't know how to navigate around/through/over, and somehow life got in the way. I mean I'm still young, so there is still a tommorow, it's just hard to realize that sometimes. And right now, being "in-limbo" is so incredibly confusing, I can't even describe. I'm just lost. Sometimes I wish I was a powerlesbian - an incredibly cocky, self-righteous, balls-to-the-wall, extroverted, take-no-prisoners-and-get-the-fuck-out-of-my-way, Armani-business-suit-wearing, Ani-Difranco-and-Indigo-Girls-listening-to, Corporate-Alpha-Male, Power Lesbian. You know they don't take no shit from no one, get through the day no matter what, and wear flannel to their heart's content. A powerlesbian would be done with school by now. A powerlesbian would be wreaking all kinds of havoc on a corporation and be married to her powerlesbian U-Haul wife, living together in a log cabin in Northampton. *Sigh*.

My problem is that, for whatever reason - right now I don't feel like the time is right to be in the institution of higher education - as much as I want that freaking degree. I want too many things, and that's a problem. I'm too dichotomous for my own good. I want to be in school in New York City and live in an amazing Chelsea Apartment there. I want to live at home so I don't have to leave my cats and can see my family often, as crazy as they drive me. I want to move to South Florida and become a real estate agent and work at the Palace and be around my "family" there :) I want to be in school, I want to be done with school. I want to be in a punk rock band. I want to become an interior decorator/designer, an artist, a fashion icon. I want to stay at home under the covers and never come out. I want to become an astronaut and travel to the farthest reaches of our galaxy that man has ever seen. I am too many things all in one. Which thing winds out in the end? Sometimes I feel like a free spirit trapped in an immobile body - and yet I have the total ability to move! Do I need to be enrolled in the system to get the gears moving slowly, or can I do it all on my own? One thing is for sure...I'm definitely going to South Florida asap and moving there and trying to make my way there. If it doesn't work out, it doesn't work out - but I have to follow my heart so that I know if it was the right thing to do or not. I don't want to have to say "I'll never know". But I also feel incredibly sad and heartbroken at not having completed my higher education, at leaving my family (especially my grandparents), and this life behind. I wish I was "Successful Power Lesbian Barbie", so that I could have my beach apartment, my Chelsea apartment, and the money and ability to travel back and forth to see my friends and family whenever I wanted. Just picking one thing is something I have never been good at, but I have to if I ever want to leave my room. So I'm not in an institution right now and I'll suffer temporarily...no health insurance scares the hell out of me. Not having that piece of paper scares the hell out of me. Having to drive around and park in a strange place REALLY scares the hell out of me, only being able to choose one door when you want the double scares me, etc. But maybe somewhere within me I'll find the Power Lesbian within and be able to make it in this world. Will I ever get "in the sytem"? I don't know - but many people have survived and made amazing lives for themselves without being in it. I'm so confused.

But John the Savage was the best character anyway, was he not? :-)

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