Equally as Pointless, Yet Probably Not as Enlightening...

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And I thought I only had 30 seconds - hah, I did it in 19 with a title! ;)

Hey it's supposed to be Jesse's Reality Show people!!! Hopefully this is a thing of the future, and a sign of good things to come! Don't mind me looking horrible, my amateur digital camera/video skills, my amateur skills, or my messy room - I'm sure when my show is popular and takes off I will have a brand new studio built to appease the masses.

The audio quality is horrible - making my voice sound lisp-y (I swear I'm not that gay), the lighting is piss-ass poor, and I really need to have something done about those Jew-wrinkles in my forehead that show up from time-to-time based on my facial expression - but hey, every celeb had to start somewhere, right? :)

Pointless, Yet Enlightening...

The Fortune Cookie Says...

My fortune, received from a fortune cookie last night after eating at the Chineese Restaurant 'Tung Hoy', in New Rochelle, NY.

So there we have it. Apparently *I* am a person of culture - good to know. It's really ironic because just yesterday morning, on the same day I received the above fortune I was accused of being mono-culturalistic. This was from a guy I speak to on the Internet, so he doesn't really know me - but it still irked me. Then again, I guess one can be mono-culturalistic and still be a person of culture, but whatevah!

So, maybe I'm not the most wordly person right now - I live at home with the folks and have not done extensive traveling (except for one amazing European trip I took Junior year of high school during Spring Break with my fellow classmates and teachers - but YIKES, that has been 7 years! Where does the time go???) - but I'd like to feel I have culture within me. You can't be as ethnically/ancestrally as diverse as I am and be culture-free. I mean seriously people - I'm a total MUTT! I am Danish, Hungarian, Austrian, Turkish, Czechoslovokian, Polish, German, Serbian, Armenian, Israeli, and who knows what else is in the mix there. Ok, ok, so genetics does not a cultural person make - but cut me some slack. I light the Chanukah Menorah, My Farmor (Father's Mother in Danish) puts Danish flags on all my birthday cards and cakes, I speak beginner's Spanish and French, I'm a NY Jew who loves bagels and cream-cheese and lox, I've gone to a Lesbian Wedding in Massachussetts (can someone email me how to link previous posts? I'd link my previous post here!), I love the Murano Glass of Italy, I dream of going to the Paris Opera someday, I'm a wanna-be fashion-whore without any money (someday, someday), and I'm stupid and starry-eyed enough to hope to make a difference in the world as a whole someday. I try to keep myself apprised of current situations domestically and internationally (re: Cindy Sheehan and the Gold Star Mom's against Bush, The global and local impact of Katrina on the US's oil rigs in the Gulf of Mexico, Sunni Arabs rejecting the Iraqi Draft Constitution, the sickening attrocities of genocide going on in Sundan, etc, etc...)I guess keeping yourself abreast of national and international news doesn't make you culturalized, but I'm not a close minded shut-off person to the rest of the world either. (Even though I usually literally do lock myself in my room). Whatever - even if someone is Mono-culturalistic, is that such a bad thing? Listen, the world is a damn scary place. Many people seek shelter in the comfort of those like them - their family, friends, and others with a similar background or shared history. So what if you hole yourself up in an ethnic enclave? For many people, they wouldn't be able to handle the world otherwise. Being protected isn't always such a bad thing. It's only bad when you think that you/your culture is "the best" and no one else can compare, or you start to judge others unlike yourself and physically hurt them. Whatever - why am I even defending my culture?

I guess what annoys me is people acting all elitist towards me and others. I know this was just an online guy and whatnot, but the one thing I have never gotten is people's need to act vastly superior to those around them. If you are a person in a position of power, you could use that to bring others up, to share the power with others, or to enlighten those around you. Using your power as some kind of bragging right is just ridiculous. I was born with an incredibly strong humility gene, and I'll always have that. Maybe that's why I'll never be a person of power in the first place, but whatever - I'm fine being me. Maybe I'm a little bit slower, maybe life is a little tougher to take or handle due to my sentitivity - but I wouldn't be me if I wasn't this way. Being sensitive and caring is one of my greatest virtues. I am literally compassionate towards almost everyone and always willing to look at the other point of view. It sucks that it makes me shy, but I have a lot to give. So maybe I'm not some cut-throat, corporate Power-Lesbian, but that's what the cut-throat, corporate Power-Lesbians are for. Jesse is here to be Jesse. Such is Mango! I wasn't born with a "bitch gene", and thank god for that! I like being nice, so sue me.

Speaking of being sensitive and all that, it's why I haven't really written many blogs lately. I'm going through a bit of a rough time, maybe even a tiny bought of depression. I just don't want to bring the rest of the world down on my blog if I can help that. I know people judge you based on what you write, so I'd rather save my blog for the happy fun times Jesse entries. It's just been a rough period of time - from my grandfather being increasingly sick in the hospital, to my family coming undone because of it, to school starting up but not being registered for this semester and feeling loss and sadness over that, to not sure what the future holds or how i'll survive or what I'll do or whatnot etc...it's just a period of extreme sadness and confusion. I know I have a lot to be thankful for, but being lost and having depression don't help things. Hopefully someday when I "come into my own" I'll be able to look back with a fresh perspective and say "Phew! I wouldn't go back in time for anything in the world!" or something like that. I can't wait till the day I am at a place where things go calmly for a while and I have a period of stability and happiness so that I can share that with others. Really...what point is there to being happy and living a kickass life if you can't share it with the ones you love? Okay - I don't know how I went through talking about my culture fortune cookie to going there, but I just let it flow. I just wanted to let everyone know how come I haven't been posting. No one wants anymore sad, lost, and confused Jesse posts, so I figured it was just good not to post. But if you are a glutton for punishment and want to view my inner angst and torment, just ask and I'll share - y'all know I wear my heart on my sleeve. Just know ONE thing about me always...

I AM A PERSON OF CULTURE! ;)

In Honor of Trailblazers

Exactly one year ago, on August 21, 2004 (okay, so technically it was exactly one year and one day ago - but details, details...) my older sister Meri got married to her partner Margie in the the state of Massachussetts, where they live. Gay Marriage first became legal in Massachussetts on May 17, 2004 and is as-yet the only state in the union that has the right (and I say right and not privalege for a reason!).

Meri and Margie were first legally married (signing of important documents and such) on, I believe, May 24, 2004 in the township of Lincoln, Massachussetts, which is a small town outside near where they live in Waltham, MA. Always one for the history books, we believe they were the first gay couple to be legally married in Lincoln, MA. They wanted to get married right after the law took "just in case" it were to be revoked anytime shortly after. A little over a year later, thank god it hasn't. (Yes, there are many battles ahead in Congress, but for now they are safe in MA).

Being extremely family-oriented and also extremely Jewish, Meri and Margie wanted a "traditional" Jewish Lesbian wedding - with friends and family surrounding them on their special day. Oddly enough - no flannel was in sight. :) Margie's brother Alan, who lives one town over in Newton, MA just outside of Boston proper allowed them to use his historic home for their wedding ceremony and reception. The wedding was truly amazing - having most of your family in one place for such a special occasion was very emotional. I had only been to one wedding before theirs, and it was much more straight and did not involve any of my family members. Seeing your older sister get married, and having your younger sister be one of the "best women" while you were one of the "best men" was pretty surreal. (Margie's brother Alan was the other best man and his wife Teri was the other best woman). From holding the Chuppah that my mom made (kind of a Jewish awning type thing) during the ceremony, drinking wayyyyyyyyyyy too much champagne and merlot, dancing up a storm, giving a "best man" speech, bonding with Margie's newphews and Meri's step-brother and half-sister, and being with all my other family and some long time friends - it really was the greatest day ever. How George W. Bush or anyone else would not want to recognize this is beyond me. It was real, it was loving, it was special, it was natural.

Although the two of them are kooky and live in their own world sometimes (but who doesn't), Meri and Margie's love for each other is always apparent. After seven years of dating and sticking together through a 3-year long distance period, I'm so glad that at the right point in time and in their relationship, Meri and Margie were able to legally be recognized as a committed couple. It's been one year, and I really truly can't believe it - it feels like yesterday. It was one of the most special times of my life, and I'm sure it always will be. On their first anniversary as a married couple, I thank god they live in a state where they are able to BE a married couple, I hope that they share many, many, many more happy and healthy years together, and that no governing body can ever take away their marriage (not that anyone could ever take away what they share).

In an age of self-promotion, contempt for mankind, disregard for fellow human beings, members of your own "community" doing nothing more than Crystal-Meth as a way to cope, and all the other problems in the world today - it's nice to see that two U-Haul lesbians from Massachussetts can be living out the Gay American Dream. They are trailblazers, and they give me hope for the future.

CONGRADULATIONS MERI AND MARGIE ON YOUR ONE YEAR ANNIVERSARY!!!

(pics of the splendid event to follow...)

The wedding ceremony! Complete with official Chuppah made by mom, and best men and best women! :)

Sweet moment, sweet couple.

The happy couple, once again :)

My parents, sister Dana, Meri, Margie, and Me on the big day. :)

The whole fam (my side) on Meri and Margie's big day.

Two lesbians kissing me. Most straight men's fantasy? ;)

One of many sweet moments shared by Meri and Margie throughout the evening.

The Ketuba (sp?), a traditional Jewish marriage contract, signed by those being married, the Rabbi, and their witnesses. Welcome, the gender-neutral lesbian version! :)

Meri and Margie signing the Ketuba(sp?).

My younger sister Dana and I laughing and smiling about something, but I really have absolutely no memory of what. Damn Champagne! :P

Cheers for Gay Weddings! :)

Meri and Margie doing the traditional "cutting of the cake". Notice the rubber ducky on the cake? That is classic "Meri and Margie" - true to form!

Meri and Margie, dancing it up!

I really have no idea what I was dancing to here, but I sure was having a good time! I almost never drink, but that night was the exception. I don't think I've ever been so buzzed/drunk in all my life! I book parties, though ;) That's all folks...

Sunday Morning Contemplation...

Me on Lake Mahopac looking rather rugged and unshaved.

Picture taken some previous Sunday in early August, 2005.

So, it's Sunday morning and I'm sitting at my computer contemplating life. (What the Hay is new?!?) I guess things feel particularly pungent today because of the battle of words I had last night with my mom and older sister Meri, who is in for the weekend via Waltham, Massachussetts. In the continuing debate over what I'm going to "do with my life" (as if anyone really knows the answer to such a vague question until the very end), they both ganged up on me - Jesse in one corner, Jewish Momma and Jewish Older Sister in the other corner. Let's just say the fight ended Me - O , Them - 1.

They really really really really really want me to go back to John Jay College of Criminal Justice in Manhattan in the Fall (i.e. - 2 weeks), whereas I am thinking of moving to Southern Florida and working in real estate, interior decoration, or in a bar or club, or just something to survive in a month or so. I guess that is where the big argument comes from - they want me to be a raving success in life and think going to a school I felt out of place at and with a degree in something I don't want to have a career in will get me there. Well of course they don't think exactly *that* way - but that's what it feels like. They think sucking it up now and living at home for another year or two and coming out the other side with a Bachelor Degree - in WHATEVER major - is still a degree and will propel me to great heights in life. Maybe I'm jaded b/c of all the schools I have gone to, all the heartache I've experienced in the past few years, and all the time, money, and social experiences lost - but I just don't know anymore. It's one thing if I had an unlimited supply of money and could go to a school that I liked and major in something I was interested in, but thats just not an option at this point - not right now. I no longer have that luxury. Do they want me to move off a thousand miles away and be without my family, have to find a way to "just survive" and live paycheck to paycheck? Of course not. I don't want that either, but what can I do.

I can't help that I have out and out downright serious Seasonal Depression. If I could get over it I would, but I haven't been able to yet. The worst part of all is living at home in Northern Westchester/Putnam County, NY. It's FINE in the summer living and working with my dad and helping him out with his Heating and Air Conditioning business, it really is, and I would hope that I would be able to for the rest of my life. BUT - September-April is downright horrible for me here. Trapped in the house with my parents who have major issues of their own isn't fair to me, and it isn't fair to them anymore. Not being around other gay people is the most self-hating and toxic environment I could ever be in. I deserve to be around other people like myself, and I just don't have that here. No one "gets me" here, and that's no way to live a life. Yet, as much as I want to leave - I am completely petrified of failing. I want to be a success. I want to achieve things. I want to have the power within me to create an amazing life. But when your family - the people who are supposed to care and be there for you more than anyone else in the world tell you that you aren't going ANYWHERE either without them or without some piece of paper, it just stunts me and stops me in my tracks. Going back to that school in 2 weeks would be a deal with the devil I just can't make right now. I just can't do it, as much as they yell and beg and as much as I scream and cry - I just can't do it right now. Even though logic tells me that it's the "responsible" thing to do - It just doesn't feel "right". Why is that? It would be great if it could all be so neat and pretty, but that's just not the way it is for me.

I'm ready for the next great chapter in my life. Well, I guess the fear is that it won't be so great - but I'm ready to take the chance anyway. I want to be a successful, independent, self sufficient person - but I know I have a looooooooooong way to go. I know I'm intelligent, but I don't have the so-called required piece of paper to show for it, even though I've taken like 500 college credits at this point at various schools. Our system and society at large is so institutionalized that it drives me crazy - but that is a debate for another time. At the end of the day, I may not have confidence in much (hopefully someday), but I know I have dreams, I know I have a nice smile, and more than anything else - I know I have an innocent and pure heart that is good right down to it's very core and just wants to make the world a better place to be in. Hopefully someday soon that will guide me wherever it is I'm supposed to go.

Fuck You!

Fuck you, Mother, for being totally emotionally abusive and ruining my day, my future, and most of my life.

Fuck you, Meri, for your empty promises and promising to do things for me that you never will, and for promising to help me, when you won't and ruining my shot at seeing if Florida is for me.

And Fuck you too, Hillary Duff, for releasing "Most Wanted" your Greatest Hits collection, after releasing only two other previous albums. As If!!!