I Need to Throw Up...

Did you ever have a period in your life where nothing seemed to work out right, where each day brought further confusion rather than clarity? I am going through such a turbulent period - and I don't know if I'll make it out to the other side. Hell - if I make it out to the other side, I don't even know what side that will be. Right now upside-down is rightside-up and rightside-up is upside-down. I feel the blood rushing to my head, the acid churning in my stomach, and I just want to vomit. That's really the only feeling I can describe right now - that of utter nausea.

My mom wants to know what I'm going to do about the Fall - and I don't know what to tell her. I'm torn between trying something that is uncertain in NYC, something that is uncertain in Miami, and certain death in my bedroom. I just don't know. There are pluses and minuses to both, but nothing screams out as "the answer". Please God, why can't you just give me a SIGN? Oh, why am I asking you God - you aren't lurking on the Internet, and even if you are, you're most likely surfing for porn. I could have a degree in a year and a half in something I don't really want (almost 4 years late), but it will be a degree nonetheless. I can try something totally crazy and go to a far off land and see what happens, but that means giving up my home and my family. But staying here means suffering through the cold and desolation of the Winter. Whatever I do, I fall. Whenever I fall, I crack. Whenever I crack, I break. So, I just don't know - I feel hopeless and lost - and that is a horrible, nauseating feeling.

I'm just sad. I want to cry so badly but I can't - for whatever reason I don't cry easily and so the tears don't come...but I feel them inside, trust me. This is the lamest blog I have ever posted. I think I'm going to go to bed. I just feel such heartache right now I can't even describe. Grrr I wish this feeling would just go away :(

-Jesse

Carrie Bradshaw Entry #1

Carrie Bradshaw, Contemplating. 07.26.05

Have you ever wondered "What if"? What if I knew then what I know now? What if I got the call, or the job, or the guy? What if he hadn't said that? What if I hadn't said that? What if I had said that? What if the timing was different? What if I were different? What if - just once - things worked out the way I wanted and dreamed them to? "What If" is such a powerful question, one of those great rhetorical mysteries of the universe, like all things rhetorical - that cannot be answered. "What if" is really just the twin sister of "Why". If you never ask yourself these questions you lose perspective in the grandest sense; ask them too much and you're indefinitely trapped without any movement forward. Unfortunately I'm currently stuck with more of the latter and not so much the former.

Is there really a point to asking "What If" or "Why" when you won't get an answer, and even if you did, knowing there is nothing you can do about it? Are these vital soul-searching questions, or do they just lead to self-deprecation mode? Whenever I find myself doodling hearts on pieces of random scrap paper I know I am in trouble. I can't handle unrequited love, much less unrequited like. "What If" just once it wasn't unrequited? "What if" just once it was requited. I don't know the answer to that question sadly enough, and I wonder if I ever will. All things are supposed to work out "in time" - but what does that really mean? What if "God's time" isn't your time? What if the waiting and suffering kills you (or near kills you) in the meantime? "What If" I actually knew my purpose in this life, or which fork in the road I was supposed to take. "Why" does it have to hurt so bad? "Why" is life always as ironic as humanly possible? Why is the "Perfect Man" always taken, doesn't know you are alive, hurts you, or left never to return? "What if" you met that imperfect person who just so happened to turn out to be the perfect one? "What If" I didn't feel so lost? What if I felt found? "Why" does this all elude me so?

I'm thinking too deeply right now, and that can never lead to good things. "Dancing in my Dreams" by Tina Turner, anyone? Well, I venture off to contemplation, doodling unhealthy images, and listening to songs that make the mind wander off to the quiet places that a mind should not visit lightly. I leave you all with one of my favorite "Sex and the City" quotes...

"Later that day I got to thinking about relationships. There are those that open you up to something new and exotic, those that are old and familiar, those that bring up lots of questions, those that bring you somewhere unexpected, those that bring you far from where you started, and those that bring you back. But the most exciting, challenging and significant relationship of all is the one you have with yourself. And if you can find someone to love the you you love, well, that's just fabulous."
-The Real Carrie Bradshaw

Lesbian Haircuts and Lake Mahopac

Me on Lake Mahopac, NY, July 16,2005.

An Overcast Lake Mahopac, NY, July 16,2005.

So, the other day I got a haircut, and the barber definitely took off more than I wanted. Now, with my familial genes I'm pretty sure that I'll have the rest of my life, starting shortly to be completely bald, so I prefer to have crazy spikey hair for as long as I can have it. I really liked how it was in my Borgata photos, it just needed a trim. So I asked for a trim and the barber chopped it off. My hair grows pretty fast, so I'm sure it will be okay - but in the meantime I look like a lesbian, grr. I go to the downstairs barbershop in my mall since it's only $12 for a haircut, versus like $30 at the salon. I'm a guy so I have a really hard time paying $30 for a freakin trim, so I don't do it at the salon, although I have tried it a few times in the past. Besides, at the salon they will usually make your hair look pretty "gay", while at the barber's it usually comes out looking like a "normal straight guy" haircut. - For some reason this time I got a guy who gave me a lesbian cut. Grrrr - my older sister is the lesbian in this family, not me! Maybe I should establish an ongoing relationship with one person who can cut my hair right. But I'm thinking of moving soon anyway, so screw it. In any event, I hope my hair grows back nice and big and spikey soon so that I can rock the look again. Right now I look like a 15 year old lesbian, or just a 15 year old schoolboy (My old school Super Mario "1 UP" Mushroom t-shirt doesn't help, but I love it so whatever!). Grow hair, grow! :)

Speaking of my photos above, that is me on Lake Mahopac, a nice lake about 10 minutes from my house where we have a motorboat. I can't drive the thing really, but it's my dad's boat and we always go to relax on it in the Summer. It's probably my favorite place in the world - it is SOOO calming and relaxing. I love being on the water more than anything, I just love this lake! Our boat is this little 1980's 20 foot motorboat, but it's perfect just for taking short rides around the lake and anchoring it in the swimming area and just laying back, soaking up the sun, listening to tunes, snacking, and enjoying life. I wish it was Summer all year round so we could go on the boat all year round. That's a huge part of why I want to move to Florida - I'm such a Summer person, it's crazy! While I appreciate the beauty of snow and the Winter, I can't handle the long months of cold, dead trees and plant-life in general, shoveling the driveway, etc. Some people are "Winter People" and some people are "Summer People". I just so happen to be a Summer person! :) But, I digress. So - Lake Mahopac is an amazing place. With all the anxiety and uncertainty I have been feeling lately, it is the only place I can seem to find a sense of peace, balance, and my inner "chi" (besides sleep of course, hehe). It's a wonderful feeling to just be laying out in the sun, feeling the rocking sensation of the boat on the water, and feeling at one with nature. If it gets too hot out you just put on a lifejacket and hop in the water. If it starts to rain - well, you just go home. Today was an overcast day, so I didn't get much sun, but it was nice just to sit on the water with my dad for a half hour and recharge. If I could be on that boat all year long I'd be a very happy camper (or a very happy boater in this case I guess,lol).

After the lake, my dad and I went to the supermarket to pick up hotdogs for dinner. We grilled hotdogs and sausage (which neither of us need!) - but it was really good. My mom and older sister were visiting my grandpa at the hospital, so my dad and I were on our own. We pulled it off, too! After dinner I hung out for a while before my older sister Meri and mom returned home. Just before we were about to go out to a movie I got a phonecall from my FABULOUS friend Alexis. While we only got to talk for a few minutes, I was able to share with him my affinity for all things Velcro. I actually never realized I had an affinity for Velcro before, but leave it to "Uncle Alexis" to bring that out in me, haha! Some extremely rare people you can meet and instantaneously know that they are a special breed of person - Alexis is such a creature. I know he is reading this blog right now, so all I can say is that I am *SO* glad that I met people like Carl and him that Saturday night outside Score one day in early April, in South Beach. Alexis has continued to spread his awesomeness by introducing me to further amazing people like Henry from the Palace and Ian from Argentina. I guess awesomeness begets awesomeness! :) Thank you so much for the call Alexis, we'll talk tommorow. I need a guru to help me figure out what to do with my life, and I know that only the Countess can offer such advice! :)

After I got off the phone, I spent my rockin' saturday evening on a date with Meri and my Mom seeing the new "Willy Wonka" with Johnny Depp. I have to say that I really liked it! Depp didn't exactly pull the role of Wonka off, and Gene Wilder was a far better Wonka in the original. However, I felt the kids were cast perfectly, especially Freddie Highmore as Charlie, who also played the character "Peter Pan" is based upon in "Finding Neverland". While "Wonka" was extremely simliar to the original movie in most aspects, it was supposedly more faithful to the Roald Dahl book upon which it's based (although I have never read it), The creative license they took with making up a backstory for Wonka's childhood actually worked (plus Christopher Lee is the MAN as his dad - I swear, everything that actor touches turns to gold. He is in his 80's and is still acting strong. Amazing!), the Oompa Loompas were creepy yet cool, and, it just had a "Burtonesque" quality to it (I love Tim Burton and cannot WAIT for "The Corpse Bride"!). As in the older version, that uber bi-atch Veruca Salt is the spitting image of my younger sister Dana, haha. "But daddy, I want it NOW!" Well, it's 3 am on a Saturday night/Sunday morning and I am blogging...YI-to-the-KES! I would write a more thorough review, but I'm about to pass out. I must head to bed, but I leave you with my favorite quote from the movie (not sure if it was in the original). It's just very sweet, is full of hopefullness, and - heck - it just made me smile...

"Charlie was the luckiest boy in the world. He just didn't know it yet."

The Trouble With My Life Is...

Okay, so the trouble with my life of late is that I completely do not know where it's heading or what direction I should steer it in - and that is causing much angst, anxiety, confusion, and heartache. I know I said that I'd write a blog on my trip to the Borgata in Atlantic City, NJ this past weekend, but quite frankly this is all I can think about at the current moment. I'm so frustrated, you have no idea. Let me just let it out in a huge scream...

I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH MY LIFE!!! AHHHHH!!!

I feel the stone heavily pushing down upon me, and I don't seem to know how to roll out from under it without being completely crushed. Should I return to the criminal justice school in Manhattan in the Fall and commute even though I don't want to have a career in anything related to criminal justice, I feel terribly out of place at the school, hate the commute, and I'm pretty unhappy there - yet I could get a bachelor degree in a year and a half and will be able to have health insurance. Should I go to that school yet somehow try and find some random roommate I could live with in Manhattan or (more likely) a borough and see if that makes my life any different and have no clue what kind of job I would get? Do I do something completely off the beaten path (yet for some reason it's my dream) and move to Miami/Ft Laud. and try to make a life for myself there? It's just so confusing. I feel trapped instead of feeling free to make my own decision. I feel weighed down and punished by my past mistakes and failings instead of the freedom of mobility. Ugh.

I know, without doubt that my parents, grandparents, sisters, and whoever else puts their $.02 in this overprotective family that they all want me to continue at this school I'm really unhappy at and get my degree in legal studies. They don't care what I get my degree in, but as this is a highly specialized school I made the mistake of enrolling in, I basically have no choice - it's either that degree in a year and a half or nothing. I don't need the degree, but yet everyone tells me I do. I worked very hard through a depression and go my associate degree in Computer Systems Management even though I knew I didn't want to work in that, but at least I'll always have that piece of paper to hold onto. But then after I graduated, everyone told me (and I'm paraphrasing) "That basically doesn't count. You need another degree!"...and in one aspect it's true, but in another it's not. All my friends that got their bachelor degrees are being told they need their master degrees to earn anything today. But yet people like my dad who have no college education whatsoever is able to have his own company and make a fine living for himself. I'm just really confused. I don't want to be a "cog in the wheel" and make minimum wage. I worked two winters ago at a HomeGoods store folding towels for $8 an hour and I swore I'd never do anything like that again. Working with my dad is awesome b/c I get to help someone out that I love, but I don't make any money from it. Sure, I get to live at home for free and have pocket money for if I ever go out (which I rarely do), but I can't come and go as I please, I can't have my own life, and I certainly can't have my own independent adult gay life. I love my family more than anything in the world, but they also hold me back and hurt me more than anyone else in the world can. With my Poppy in the hospital is has literally torn my family apart (instead of pulling us all together) and my parents fight with each other all the time, my aunts, uncles, and parents are all agitated with one another, my Granny is not taking care of herself, is depressed and is putting her own health in jeopardy, etc...living in the middle of a battlefield is not a healthy thing for me to do to myself, and that's exactly what my home has become lately, a complete and total hotzone. I love working with my dad, but at this point in time it's just to help him out - I'd never be able to make any money of my own doing that. Not that I'd be able to if I moved far away - but at least I could have some sort of "gay life" and be able to come and go as I pleased, make gay friends, maybe finally meet a boyfriend and someday be able to have a husband and a baby and a house and my "Gay American Dream"(TM). I could do that in NYC, I could do that in Miami, but I could not do that from Northern Westchester/Putnam NY living with my overprotective parents. *SIGH* I'm just so lost. I hate the winter more than anything in the world - I know that the urban life of NYC can be the most awesome thing socially, but I really can't stand September - April. That's a looooong time to be unhappy about the weather. Yet, I really really REALLY hate to drive, and I know that's a necessity down in FL. Careerwise I am not sure what I want to do, but I would love something with interior decorating, real estate, or any kind of job working in a gay environment/around gay people, where I could be out and open and honest, and just basically myself. What career that translates to, I do not know - but a corporate cog in the wheel it ain't! I feel so held back by this lack of degree, lack of "connections" to a job I would love and enjoy, a lack of self esteem, and a lack of money. If I had money I could live in NY and FL. If I had money then I could go after my *REAL* dream and adopt a baby. Kids have always been drawn to me my whole life, and I have always been drawn to kids. I could think of NO greater thing I could ever do than to adopt a baby who is in need and give it a happy and healthy home. But, when I can't even take care of myself and don't have a pot to piss in, that is not yet a dream I can fulfill - although I really hope I can someday, b/c I know I'd be an amazing dad. I'm so paternal! :) My older lesbian sister Meri is the most maternal woman I have ever met in my life - I hope she can adopt a baby someday too. I really want a child more than anything in the world...but I need a career, a home of my own, and monetary security to make that happen. The super awesome, amazing, sexy, caring, compassionate, best husband in the world doesn't help either, but lacking him, I could do it on my own. If only I was Angelina Jolie!!! :)

Seeing as that I am most certainly not Angelina Jolie, I really don't know what to do with my life. It's a game of roulette and a crap shoot either way. I think my heart is in Miami, but I don't want to break my family's heart either by not getting this piece of paper. I know in the end they want me to just be happy, but as I don't have some career worthy of me, I can't guarantee them said happiness either. What of the quality of guys and friendships - are people more kind, compassionate, caring, and close up North or down South? Friends mean the world to me, and it's high time I made some lasting, in-person, gay ones that I can see almost every day. Living in seclusion and like a hermit, does not a full life make. I'm lonely, scared, and confused. The only worse thing is my current situation - lonely, scared, confused and pressed up against the wall and pressured to make a change. Which is the right answer? Everytime I ask G-d or her holiness RuPaul for some divine intervention, the only answers I get are "Floryork" or "NewYorida" - talk about being unclear! Will I write the great american novel, sell lovely window treatments and floor furnishings, close on a house, work a suit and tie in an office, serve someone their dinner, or fold towels? No matter what I know I'll do it a smile, I just want to create a full life for myself and be happy - who doesn't want that? Questioning your existence is the most painful thing a person could go throough, questioning every little decision, turn, and facet about yourself - and that happens with me at every given turn. Why must I be so talmudic? If only I were born a close-minded, conceited asshole who never questioned himself or the world around him! At least then I wouldn't need any answers b/c it would never enter my realm of thought. When you can "critically think" yourself into a paper bag, but can't find the way out - what the hell does that mean? I question absolutisms, thus shaking their foundations and knocking them off their pedastals and never finding an answer. Life with eternal disclaimers just isn't very functional. *Le sigh*.

Well, I am confused and feeling a bit down so I am going to head for the sack to sleep. Some creepy guy online just threatened me, so that is never a good thing and certainly doesn't help me in my current mode of examining the universe.

P.S. - Today the funniest thing happened. I had to call a customer of my dad's in the morning, to make sure that he stayed at home and new we were on our way over. ( My dad does HVAC service, installation, and repair). Now, normally my self perception of myself is that I sound totally awkward on the phone. I get all nervous on the phone when calling people and start to sweat and I just haaaaaate it - I try to avoid the phone at all costs. I almost never call anyone, but for some reason today while my dad was driving I decided to call this customer. I pleasantly told him (in the manner I always talk) that my father was on his way and he would be right over. That's basically all I did. WELL - flash forward an hour and a half when we are ready to leave his customer Bob's house. This was the first time we had been to this customer before, and Bob told my father that once he spoke to me on the phone that he knew he was dealing with the right people and that everything would be alright. He said I sounded like a mensch! (Yiddish for fine gentleman or something). Haha how funny is that? I always think I come off as so awkward and strange and nervous and this guy thought I sounded nice and professional and I actually gave him confidence in my dad...how funny is that? I wish I had some confidence, then there is no telling what I would be able to accomplish! Really - schoolteachers, moms, and kids everywhere LOVE me. Unfortunately I focus on many a scumbag "badboy" gay guy who doesn't know I'm alive and doesn't appreciate me, and that's where I draw my self worth from - not a good thing! My mom says I do really well with rich people - all my dad's well off customers like me a lot, while his poor ones don't notice I am there. There is something about my manner and kindness that I think goodhearted and succesfull people like for some reason. I have no confidence in that statement, but my mom pointed it out, so I'll take it. I just wish I could have a high degree of confidence, then I feel I would really know how to operate in the physical world and would at least know that no matter what decisions I made, that things would turn out okay. Right now I feel on shaky ground. Well, at least one person today thought I was a mensch, that's a good thing I guess! :)

I'm sorry for the depressing thoughts, I'm just really confused right now. I'll include some eyecandy at the end for the hell of it to anyone who was brave enough to read through this entire blog. The image is the enlarged image of my Blogger profile pic. Take care for now everyone, I need to "sleep on it" as they say!

Me in my Bedroom, taken on my webcam, sometime in April of 2005

Domo Arigato, Hotel Borgata!

Okay everyone, I am finally going to sit down and give myself enough time to write about my recent trip to the Borgata Hotel and Casino in Atlantic City in New Jersey. I went with my parents and younger sister (in honor of her 21st birthday) from Thursday, July 7 to Sunday, July 10. Some parts of it were fabulous, some parts of it were traumatic. In any event here are a whole bunch of pictures, with a blog to follow...

Me at the BBar in the Middle of the Borgata Casino Hotel's Main Floor on July 7, 2005.

Me and my Younger Sister Dana Outside Our Room, Earlier That Night.

Me and my Younger Sister Dana Outside of the 14th Floor Elevators.

The Hotel Borgata Itself, Obviously Sometime @ Night.

The Faaaaaabulous "Swirly Carpet" and Checkered Textured Upholstered Chair in our Hotel Room. Borgata Was Decorated AMAZING! *Faints*

An Awesome Picture I took of the Lifeguard Shack @ The Atlantic City Shore on Saturday, July 9,2005.

Total and complete CUTIES!!! :)

Dana and I, Sipping Drinks Outside at the Atlantic City Shore @ Bally's Bikini Bar.

Dana and I, In Our Hotel Room @ Night, Before Dinner, on Saturday, July 9, 2005.

Some Cool Lady, Dressed Up As a White Statue. They Have These in Miami Beach on Lincoln Road. Living Statues RULE! :)

The Amazing, Amazing, A-MAAAAZING Glass Chandelier @ The Front Entrance to The Borgata. They Have Smaller/Other Versions of These Interwoven Glass Light Fixtures All Throughout the Hotel. They Are a Sight to See! Someday When I Have a Dollar to My Name (Okay, Maybe I'd Need a Couple Million) I Will Buy One and Put It At the Entrance To My Home! Someday *Sigh* :)

Okay Folks, that's all the pictures for now! I'll post the blog later tonight - promise! :)

Happy 21st Birthday, Dana...

My Younger Sister Dana and The Bebe Bag That I Bought Her For Her Birthday.

*Photo Taken 07.06.2005

The Famous "21 Bread".

*Photo Taken 07.06.2005

So, today was my baby sister's 21st birthday. I can't believe she turned 21. I can't even believe *I* am over 21 still! But, I digress. So, apparently Dana went out drinking HARDCORE last night for the first night she could legally engage in drinking debauchery at multiple bars. As a superstar hottie and sorrority girl she is totally used to illegally engaging in drinking debauchery at multiple bars, but for the first time she could use her own real ID. So...she went a little overboard and had lord-knows-how-many drinks last night. How she was able to find her way back home, I don't know...but at least her good friends took care of her! This morning, with an insane hangover the likes of which she has never shown us before, she wanted nothing more than her blanket, her pillow, some water, and some toast. The wannabee future Martha Stewart that I am, I decided to oblige her birthday dreams and make her some toast, but I made it a "good thing" by cutting the bread into a "21" and buttering it up. I don't know where that idea came from, but I was really happy with how it came out. My cutting skills are apparently superb - so much so that Dana made me take a picture of the bread. I guess she really liked her birthday gift. Then she passed out - or something!

While she may have been happy with her birthday present from me of lettered bread, I felt that wasn't enough of a present for such a monumental year. 21 is a right of passage, although she partook in all the things she wasn't supposed to until now already before (whereas I pretty much waited until I was 21!). In any event, I drove my ass off to Woodbury Commons to try and buy her a real birthday present. Woodbury Commons is an outlet center about an hour South of my home. People come from all over the world to come to this outlet center, although I'm not really sure why - it's pretty much like any other outlet center you would ever go to. But, my sister being the designer whore she is, I couldn't just run to the local tiny mall by my house and pick up something there. I know she really likes Bebe a lot, so I decided to take a looksy there. (She used to have a boyfriend whose parents LOVED her and would buy her outfits from Bebe all the time - in addition to taking her on family cruises). I found a really cute white bag in the Bebe store, and the rest was history. I pretty much thought it was the perfect gift for her - the pricepoint didn't break the bank, it was cute and tiny like she likes her bags, and it was Bebe, which I know she loves - so it was meaningful too. I got her a cute card at Hallmark and called it a day. We all went out to an Italian Restaurant she likes in town called Mirragio's with my parents and her boyfriend. It's a family style place so we shared the Penne Ala Vodka, Veal Marsala, Fried Calamari, and a Big Salad. We then came home for birthday cake, where I gave her her present. I was *SO* excited to see her reaction. She kind of made a half smile, opened it up and looked inside and said "Ugh there isn't even a zipper inside!". What a bi-atch! She then realized she made a bi-atch comment and said she loved it. I hope I was a good brother for her 21st birthday and at least helped make her day more special (albeit a hungover one, hehe). I hope I am a decent brother and can someday be a better one! :)

So, since she is "the princess" and wanted to go gambling for her birthday, my parents are taking her, me, and themselves to Atlantic City, New Jersey for the weekend, starting tommorow. I'm not a gambler and not looking forward to spending 4 or 5 hours in the car with my family, but we are apparently staying at a very nice hotel called the Borgata. Hopefully good times will be had by all. I will definitely have to update after this mini-vacation. Don't worry fellow readers - If I win big in AC, I promise to remember "the little people!" :)

Happy 89th Birthday, Farmor! :)

Me and my Grandma on her 89th Birthday. Photo Taken July 02,2005.

Farmor means "Father's Mother" in Danish, just to clarify. I have not been writing blogs lately like I promised, so I guess I have been a bad boy. Alexis told me to post a picture or two and just write a quick quip with it, so that is what I am doing here since I am running out the door. But let me just say that, without fault, everyone in the world should have a Farmor. She is the most amazing, sweet, compassionate, and caring person I have ever met and probably ever will. I couldn't imagine living life without Farmor, I wish everyone could have someone as wonderful as her in their life. At 89 years old she is wise, beautiful, funny, loving, and has the biggest heart of anyone I have ever met in my life. I can only hope to someday become a person who is just a tiny fraction as amazing as she is. I Love you Farmor, Happy 89th Birthday! Here's to 89 more! :)