The Girls and I -or- Rites of Passage

From L-to-R: Seta, Jessica, Jesse, Jen, and Chrissey.

Jessica's Mt. Kisco Apartment on 6.16.2005

So since I haven't written a blog in over a month, why don't I make up for lost time and just write two in one day. I know my blogs are way longer than they should be - but fuck it - it's my blog I can do what I want! :)

So, this past Thursday I hung out at my friend Jessica's apartment with her and our friends Seta, Chrissey, and Jen. We were all friends in high school and have stayed fairly close ever since. It's only been 6 years since high school ended but I'm sure we'll stay friends forever, no matter where life takes us. We may not always be physically together in the same place, and in the past few months and years we rarely are - but I know that friends like these are worth their weight in gold, and for that I am eternally greatful. I may not have many gay guy friends but I have a plenthora of kickass straight girl friends! :) It was kind of sad when we hung out the other nigh though, because Jessica will be doing a grad program in Pittsburgh in a few weeks and then she is on and off to her new life to move to and work in Boston. Jen just graduated her master's program in special education and is going to be moving to NoVA outside of DC this Summer, where she will begin teaching a special education class in the Fall. Seta is deeply involved in and loving her new massage therapy classes - I am sure that she is going to become the best massage therapist in the world - and that's not an understatement! :) Chrissey is also kind of in the situation I am in - she is evaluating her life and trying to find out what her "next step" will be, although she has a long term boyfriend so I am sure that will factor into the picture. I Love these girls SO much that it's crazy. I am so incredibly happy for them and the things they have accomplished and the journeys they are either already on or about to embark upon. I can't help feeling humbled in their presence - Like I am some 24 year old loser that is not on the same level as them and their successes and achievements yet, but that is unfair for me to say to myself. They are going far, and I know that I have come far and will "find myself" too someday! I just feel like all my friends are "coming into their own skin" and most people my age have it all figured out - and I feel so far from where I want to be that it's scary.

Should I move to South Florida and try becoming a real estate agent? Should I return to a school that I didn't really like and commute to Manhattan from Northern Westchester and continue living at home with the parents in the Fall? Should I run off to some commune in Kazakhstan? (Haha - ok maybe not that last one). It's just such an inner struggle and battle between what I am *supposed* to do, what I *want* to do, trying to figure out even what it is I want to, and what my *family* wants me to do. Really, more than anything - I want to move to Southern Florida and try to become a real estate agent. I don't necessarily know why - but it's just what is in my heart and soul right now. I love nothing more than just being outside in the warm weather and enjoying nature and life. For the six months of the year that there is almost no greenery, the leaves on the trees are completely dead, the earth is frozen solid, and the skies are grey - I just can't take it. I definitely think I have some degree of seasonal depression, and let me tell you that it is absolutely grueling - they don't call it S.A.D. for nothing! Not that I don't have a chemical depression regularly anyway - it comes and it goes and that will be a battle that I will have to fight within myself for the rest of my life - but it's a battle I'm determined to win. It kind of puts a cloud over everything, and makes it really hard for me to make decisions on what I should do and how I should live my life. I have spent the past few years suffering terrible anxiety, holing myself up like a hermit (My Dad calls me Howard Hughes, haha), and not being able to accomplish even a fraction of what I am capable of. It's never been about ability with me though, it's always been about application. That is my vice, my pain, and the proverbial hurdle I must overcome - my greatest enemy is also my greatest asset - myself. While my friends have achieved their Bachelor degrees, some having achieved their Master Degrees already - I am not there yet. However, I *HAVE* accomplished my Associate Degree, and for that I am very proud of, and I need to remember that is an extremely important accomplishment and a struggle I was able to overcome also. Regardless of what some corporate cronie might say to me - I have kickass skills, I'm extremely intelligent, and I never wanted to be a "cog in the wheel" anyway - so screw that. That's part of why being a realtor is so attractive to me - although I will need to overcome my shyness and fear of the telephone - I am EXTREMELY friendly and anyone who meets me knows that I wear my heart on my sleeve - I am an honest guy, and that Ethos is SO important in the business world, regardless of what people might say. But anyway - yes, being able to be my own boss eventually, being able to control my own life, not having to "work a 9-to-5" and "punching in/punching out" are SO important to me - I'm too smart for that. My dad who never had any kind of schooling past high school was able to create the perfect life for himself. We'll never ever be rich or even "well off" but he has been able to have his own relatively one-man business and support himself, my mom, three children, and countless pets. He is able to have his old cars and not have to worry about sleeping at night and is able to be himself and accomplish his dreams through his business. My Poppy, who is incredibly sick and has been in the hospital for 7 months and we don't even know how much longer he will live - he was able to create an incredible life for himself through his business. My other grandpa - my Farfar - worked back breaking hours at AAA for 25 years and has had a very hard time being able to "get by" in his golden years - which is unfair b/c he is the greatest living human being I have ever met and probably ever will. Not that he didn't create a nice life for himself, but he should not have to worry about bills at almost 84 years old. Not that being in control of my own career life will be easy - it will put it all on me and if I don't make a sale ever I will not be able to eat. But in a sense that is absolutely exhilarating to me - that I could create a life for myself - either a fabulous one or a horrible one - it will be MY life...and that is something I can't wait to start! Not that I don't mind working with my dad now - in the nice weather, doing AC stuff is absolutely great, and I LOVE the fact that I can help him out when he wouldn't be able to do it all himself or with his older friends. But I will never be able to move out of my 11 x 9 bedroom working for him, and that's not fair for me - I want more from my life. I love my family, I love my cats, I love living in a house, etc...but at this point it's not really mine - it's theirs. I want to be able to come and go as I please without my overprotective parents telling me I can't go out or don't do this or that right, etc. I have lived the past few years of my life very ascetically and that's unfair to do to myself anymore. I'm old enough where I deserve to have an independent life, and young enough where I still can accomplish great things...but I have to start. Not that living at home and taking classes in a college isn't starting - but I want to try something totally different - like moving to South Florida and becoming a realtor for now, even though everyone tells me not to. I'm fine trying it on my own - but I know when I would move that it would BREAK my Farfar and Farmor's hearts - they want a college degree for me more than ANYTHING. They are so loving and overprotective and their hearts breaking just breaks my own - it's such a difficult thing - my family members are my hero's and I would do anything for them. I have gone through some very difficult times and they have literally been the only ones there for me - it's hard to turn your back on that and "slap them in the face" by not going with their wishes. But I have to live my life at the same time. It's so confusing, I can't explain it. This is probably the most incoherant blog ever, but I'm just strictly "purging" all my thoughts and feelings at this point - "stream of concious" if you will. I probably shouldn't even write this shit - anyone reading this will think I'm crazy when I'm really just a nice normal 24 year old guy! I don't give myself enough credit, but i wear my heart on my sleeve and share what I'm feeling and maybe that's a mistake! Oh well at least someday a socialogist somewhere can research my crazy ass life or something, haha.

This Summer is kind of my "evaluation time" - I have to decide whether to make the move to South Florida (Sobe - which I LOVE, or Ft. Lauderdale - which I have never even been to yet!), or return to John Jay College of Criminal Justice in Manhattan in the Fall. For the Summer I'm working with my Dad, so that's fine for now. Although I know I need to make another trip to FL in the next few weeks and check it out down there and see about apartments, etc. I know I could always try it out down there and come back here if it didn't work out...my family is great like that, except it will come with the 'danging carrot' of "I told you so" if I return home if it doesn't work out. I just wish I could go off and start a new exciting chapter in my life without breaking anyone's heart. My girl friends are all starting new exciting chapters and it doesn't seem like they are breaking anyone's hearts - why is it so difficult with my family and I? Am I the only one in the world with a family dynamic like this? Sometimes I think so. In any event, I wish my girls the best, and wish for myself that I'll figure it out sooner rather than later, that it will all work out, and that no one's heart will get broken.

Father's Day 2005 or Family Matters...

My Dad and I Having Morning Brunch on Father's Day 2005

So I'm sorry to myself that I haven't written a blog in over a month, but it's been a very busy time. Not that that is an excuse - its times like these when Jesse is super contemplative over his life that Jesse should probably be journaling/bloging or whatever you want it to document his life and what is going on in his thought processes. But enough feeling sorry about not writing blogs and let me just write one and stop regretting the lost blogs that could have been.

Today was a pretty nice day. For Father's Day both my sisters came home - my older sister Meri came home from Waltham, MA and my younger sister Dana came home from Summer session at Oneonta in upstate NY to visit my Poppy in the hospital yesterday and celebrate Father's Day with my dad this morning. We had a really nice brunch for him - my mom went all out and made her famous french toast, bacon, sausage, and we also had bakery cookies, fruit salad, coffee and juice all for the big guy! Dana got him a belt (via Mom)and a cool car themed card, Mom got him some really nice dress shirts (which will promptly go to the back of his closet that he will never ever wear), and Meri and I got him, seperately, both a Snoopy card and Barbecuing essentials. We didn't even coordinate and had NO IDEA what the other sibling was getting, but Meri got him a nice box set with a chef's hat, barbecuing apron, barbecue cook book, bottle opener, and garnish brush. I got him a "monster spatula", and coordinating heavy duty prongs, barbecue fork, barbecue brush, and grill cleaning brush. The funny thing is - my dad doesn't even really like to barbecue! He just basically has to do it b/c my mom says if he doesn't cook the slice of meat she prepared - then we aren't getting dinner. He kind of does it grudingly, but he loves to eat, so he can deal - haha. We got a new Webber grill a year ago though, and I have to say that since then he has been much more interested in barbecuing and has actually made a lot of effort not to burn stuff - everything has come out so much better in the past year! Now that Meri and I hooked him up with some new stuff the food should be better than ever! Nothing says dad like "barbecue" - even if we have to nudge him into accepting the "king of the grill" role! He seemed to really like his gifts though - we went all out, so it was nice!

After Brunch, Meri headed back up to Mass. and Dana headed back up to Oneonta with her boyfriend George. It was too cold/cloudy to go on the boat - something Dad really wanted to do since we have been working so hard and haven't had time to go even once this whole season - but if there's one thing we know working in the heating and air conditioning field it's that you can't control the weather! The family "Plan B" for the day was go visit my Farmor and Farfar (Father's-mother and Father's-Father in Danish) in Rockland, NY - but they weren't feeling up to it. So basically for the rest of the day Dad just stayed inside and watched some really crappy old movies on the couch while sitting in the dark. It's actually like one of his favorite past times - so I guess it was appropriate since it was his day, haha! I ended up talking to random strangers on the computer for most of the day - which is never really a good thing, yet a pretty acurate gauge of how I'm currently doing in terms of mental health - so I guess you can tell that's pretty "eh" lol. But I'm working through it!

I forced myself to go out at the end of the day and take a trip to Circuit City. I'm thinking of getting an Ipod-Mini, but I can't decide between a silver or a neon green one, or if I should even get one period, since I don't really ever listen to music at home. I didn't end up getting anything b/c they were out of stock on both - but while I was at Circuit City I also looked at the displays for the XM and Sirius radio satellite recievers and services. I'd really like to get that for my car - especially if I end up moving to Florida - that would RULE to have for the mega-long-ass-multi-day drive down, but it's a monthly service fee - and I certainly don't need any of those right now! So I ended up not getting anything today, but it was nice to just look at the latest and greatest techie toys. After that, I ended up stopping by Home Depot, which was nearby. I got some plant fertilizer for my Plumeria Plants I ended up growing from seed last year - they are surviving, but definitely not thriving - so I'd like to force their growth a little more. But I guess that's what I get for trying to grow a tropical plant in Westchester, New York - haha! I hope I got the right fertilizer, but we'll see! I also got some insecticidal spray because all these little grasshoppers have started to eat the everliving crap out of my Plumeria's leaves and I need to get that under control. I think grasshopper's are cute - but not when they are eating my pet project! I hope this soapy stuff works. They say having birdseed around, so that birds will come and eat the grasshopper's is the best way to get rid of them...but I have two cats so no bird is going to fly near my plants. Such is the crazy food chain of nature!

I'd just like to say for a quick second that I LOVE HOME DEPOT!. I haven't been in almost a year - but it's seriously one of the greatest places on earth. I don't have a dollar to my name, a pot to piss in, or a house of my own, but I LOVE anything having to do with homes/houses/condos/new construction/remodelling/interior/design. I mean LOVE, LOVE, LOVE it! Growing up helping my dad out with his heating and air conditioning business I have gotten to see plenty of AMAZING homes, plenty of shitty homes, and just the general way people organize their lives by the surroundings they live in and create for themselves. I guess it isn't saying much that I currently live in the same tiny 9 by 11 bedroom I have spent the better part of my life in inside of my parents house in a suburban place that I absolutely despise - and I live in filth, and dirt, and clutter - but I know that someday I will live in a kickass place - even if it's a tiny little studio that I am able to paint my own choice of paint color. Anyway - I just LOVE Home Depot and walking through all the aisles and fantasizing about my future residence, a place of my own, a place to call home. I love looking at like all the outdoor lighting and stuff like that. My parents are so not into ANY of that stuff - so I don't have that now, but I can't wait till the day I can go pick up some awesome outdoor sconce and some outdoor walkway lighting for stone paths and some patio lighting for the awesome outdoor parties I will be having. *SIGH* Home Depot just gets my creative juices flowing - I love it!

After Home Depot, I picked up some cat food at Wal-Mart and some new Listerine Whitening stuff I am going to try for my teeth. It's amazing how you can only have two items yet end up standing in line forever at Wal-Mart. That place is ALWAYS busy - no matter what time of day, night, or national holiday you are there during! After WM I came home and had dinner with the parents, and now it finds me writing this blog. It was a pretty cool day all in all. Oh yeah - I forgot - I sprayed the insecticide on my Plumeria's - let's hope it kills the grasshoppers! Okay, I'll write more in a bit, but since this is a Father's Day entry I figure I'll keep it all about my day and the family for now! :)