A Life In Crisis...

I know this isn't the most cheery topic for my first post on my blog here, but I have to be true to myself and write about what I'm currently going through, otherwise what is the point of a blog - right? I don't even know how to start this without going through subconcious ramblings, so that's exactly what I'll do. This isn't technically my first blog here, as I wrote a "testing" one, but who cares about technicality's! I have written blogs before online on the likes of LiveJournal or on MySpace, but I haven't written any in a very long time. Hopefully I'll be able to keep up with that through this site.

I have to first and foremost give a HUGE shout out and much love to my friend "Uncle" Alexis from Miami who got me hooked on his blog and integrated into this website community. He is an amazing human being, takes fabulous photographs, and generally rules (except for when he is making fun of my infamous white belt!). Recognized! My name is Jesse, I'm a 24 year old gay male living in the middle-of-nowhere in Northern Westchester, NY and commuting to school a few days a week in Manhattan. For all intents and purposes, from the outside it would look like my life is going pretty well, but it is actually in peril (or at least that's what it feels like to me). For a few years I have been genuinely lost, for the past year or so I have been wrecked, and for the past few months I have been downright anihilated. I know these are craptastic ways to describe how I am feeling right now, but I truly feel despondent, depressed, and downright heartbroken. (Dammit...if "heartbroken began with a "d" i could have been so aliterative just then!)

I don't really want to get into every single reason for all of this right here and now, but it has a lot to do with guys I have met in the past few months who have been very toxic and or hurtful to me, and one in particular who certainly did break my heart, the whole issue of school/career stuff and being more lost than ever and still not having my bachelor's degree - and unsure if I should stay here at a school I don't love or move somewhere else and try to make a go at something professionally, an extremely horrible and all - affecting family illness, and possible biological depression of my own. Things are tough in Jesseland right now. Maybe not as tough as they are at Michael Jackson's 'Neverland', but things in Jesseland could certainly be much better.

As far as steps I could take in my life to change things - I definitely know I have to - and pretty pronto, I just don't know what the steps to take are. I keep asking "God" or "The Universe" or whatever "Force" is out there to help me, to show me a sign, to point me in a direction so I know the right thing to do or the right steps to take, but the deafening silence from the void just makes me feel more confused, scared, and alone. I've made pro/con lists, thought things through, sought the advice of friends and family, examined and WAY over- examined the inner depths of my soul to find out an answer, and still - nothing. For me, the three choices it basically boils down to is either staying at home and doing the commuting and school thing at the expense of any kind of social or gay life for another year and a half, or moving to NYC or Miami, but then having to figure out how to support myself emotionally, financially, careerwise, etc. and not have the bachelor's degree, yet possibly be able to finally have a close-knit circle of gay friends or finally meet a special guy. They both have their pluses and minuses, and I just don't know what to do in the end. But at the same time, this indecision is almost (and I don't want to sound overly dramatic here, but I feel like it's true) killing me on the inside. I just feel so disempowered. All I want it some self confidence and a sign from the Universe to know what is right. But over the past few months I have been dealt with so many blows that I find myself on the floor trying just to gasp for air, let alone try and create a better life for myself.

Well, I'm at school in Manhattan right now, sitting in the computer lab on my self imposed last day of classes for the semester. I should be excited, but instead I'm sad - not sure if I'll come back here or not, not sure what the future holds. I need to go study for my Legal Ethics final and possibly meet a friend, so I need to go now, but I will write more later. I'll try to become a Blogger-whore like the rest of the guys and gals on this site that I can bring more to light about my life and everything I'm currently going through. Here's to a life in crisis!